The Thousands

Thursday May 13

Heading to Melbourne town soon? Still have that backache from your buddies couch? Imagine a free designer hotel room! No kidding. True story.

So, scroll on down. We have a whole lotta HEAR going on this week. While everyone is talking up The National's new record - it is quite good - we are talking up Crystal Castles. There's also this band called Male Bonding from London town who are resurrecting '90s pop punk with a tinge of surf. Potential disaster, potentially cool. AND, something that goes by the name Wigwam. Oh, not to mention Fair Maiden and Chrome Dome playing shows. HEAR HEAR HEAR.

Issue 026 - "Hear Hear Hear"

On the site now (It's updated every day!):

HEAR: Sweat Lodge, Wigwam
HEAR: DJ Naboo, aka Michael Fielding
HEAR: Nothing Hurts, Male Bonding
OUT: Spanish Film Festival

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Cover photo by Xixi Cao. If you would like to submit a cover shot email daniel@rightanglestudio.com.au

What:
Fantastic Man No 11

Where:
Only good newsagents, or subscribe online here for two issues per year.

How much:
AUD $24.95 per issue

Related links:
The Daily Recommendation

I am writing this copy when I am 33, but by the time anyone reads it I will be 34. Bummer. To steady myself through the journey into 'mid thirties' I have selected some powerful tools: a 12-year-old whiskey, an open fire and Fantastic Man magazine No. 11.

I approach Fantastic Man like Maverick in Top Gun: first a flyby and then, later on, comes the more serious engagement. I usually gloss over the fashion. It is impeccable, humorous and elegant - but totally beyond my life, and just a dream that I'm not sure I ever want to live. I delight in the MATTERS ON WORDS section; laugh at the OPEN LETTER TO DONALD TRUMP and wonder how they work an article called THE EGG MCMUFFIN CONTROVERSY into a style journal.

But I submerge myself in feature interviews. That's where the gold is. Not just for a man about to have a birthday, but for any man who has wondered what being a man might be about. Here, the revered photographer Wolfgang Tillmans (aged 41) admits that he "fears nothing more than losing a sense of uncertainty and doubt about himself", his admonition becoming another tool that I take into my mid thirties.

By Barrie Barton

What:
Crystal Castles

Who:
Crystal Castles

On:
Lies Records (out June 4)

When:
Out June 4

No, it's not 2008. Obama did end up winning that election. Yes, Crystal Castles titled their second album eponymously as well. And yes, they did fill it with tunes a lot of people will hate. But is not just the newest entry into the loudness wars; rather a pretty damn superb follow-up that reflects the expanded palette of these two Ontarians.

Any meaning you get from Crystal Castles, you get from the evocative sonics. The tortured caterwauls of Alice Glass (bad pun about Glass-breaking, etc.) carry angst, but you can never really tell precisely what strain of it. So you search for meaning in the blistering ‘Doe Deer', which evokes their work with LA noise-punks HEALTH, or the sparkling ‘Intimate'. Crystal Castles is not a clever record per se; it doesn't aim for the head or the heart. Nor exactly does it mean to make you dance, unless you like brooding and being really serious while you do it. But it's hypnotic, dark, and compelling. It makes you feel.

By Mateo Szlapek-Sewillo

What:
Mary-Jean Richardson

Where:
Greenaway Art Gallery, 39 Rundle St, Kent Town

When:
Opens Wed May 19,
Runs until June 20

How much:
Free

Contact:
08 8362 6354, gag@greenaway.com.au

Image:
Mary-Jean Richardson

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Mary-Jean Richardson's eerily static and immaculately crafted oil paintings are unfettered by the kind of ironic jokes that often feature in contemporary art. Frequently featuring beautiful, young girls on the cusp of adolescence, they are so lifelike as to almost suggest lifelessness. ‘On the cusp of adolescence' you say? ... it sounds like a marketing cliché doesn't it? Richardson's paintings pierce beyond that saleable catchphrase though, romanticising that point of innocence just before a discovery is made, like a kitten rolling around in a filmy, iridescent bubble about to pop.

It is Richardson's handling of the paint, as much as her subject matter that really strengthens her blow. Some paintings are almost indiscernible from photos, except for a slight blur across the image, like fairy floss stretching away from the stick. Others show rare displays of painterly spontaneity, white sloppy linear drips contrasting with the oval canvas. In the Adelaide art circuits, painting seems to be undergoing somewhat of a renaissance. Recently championed by the aEaf in their show Paint(h)ing painting is now in more of a position to be recognised for the conceptual weight it can bear. Phew, we're allowed to like oils and smell turps again!

By Chloe Langford

What:
Osborn Shoes

Where:
Online here

How much:
From US$90

I recently bought an iPhone, so just the other day I went to Fonezone to get a little rubber case for it. I was helped by a heavily made-up girl who smelled like grape Hubba Bubba and spray tan. She had a thick Westie accent and a diamonte glued to her tooth. While we were crouched down looking at the stuff on the lowest rack, she told me she really liked my shoes. I was wearing my old faithful black Inniu oxford jazzies.

"Thanks" I said, "I think I'm almost due for a new pair".
"Yah, I really like 'em. They're so fashionable. I've seen 'em in all the stores lately"

Wait a second, what stores does she mean? The same store where she bought those low-rider, lace-up-side-seam flares? The same store she bought those (fake) Dior sunglasses she's got tucked into her cleavage? I don't mean to sound pretentious, but, I DON'T WANNA LIKE THE SAME STUFF AS HER!!

Until last week I was in the biggest pickle of my life: need new jazzies, but DO NOT want to get ones that SHE likes. Then I found Osborn Design's online shoe store. It's full of wearable tapestries for men and women, that are hand made by a small team of 25 in Guatemala (entirely fair trade, with locally sourced materials). These are tripped out, Brooklyn flavoured jazzies and booties that'll keep my inner, self-aggrandising hipster feeling very, very hip. 

By Hayley Morgan

What:
New York, I Love You

Where:
In cinemas from May 13

Watch Trailer:
Here

Win:
Thanks to Madman, we have 10 dbls! To enter, email win@fivethousand.com.au with the subject line ‘Robert Altman, I blame you'

Film makers often feel better equipped to capture the soul of a city through episodic vignettes: Los Angeles in Short Cuts; Paris in Coeurs; Naples in Gomorrah. Producer Emmanuel Benbihy has turned the format into a franchise: New York, I Love You is the second of his "Cities Of Love". It follows Paris, Je T'Aime; next up, Rio.

Ten directors each had two days to shoot, eight to edit, and eight minutes of screen time for their Big Apple love stories. I found many segments smug and overly talkative. But while cutely grumbling pensioner couples are as New York-y as bagels, Eli Wallach and Cloris Leachman lend a wonderful chemistry to Joshua Marston's segment. In Shekhar Kapur's elegiac vignette, a dolorous bellhop (an actually interesting Shia LaBeouf) assists a suicidal diva (Julie Christie). And in Brett Ratner's very funny tale, Olivia Thirlby gives Anton Yelchin a prom night to remember.

The most pretentious storyline is the one meant to cement everything together. An awful video artist (Emilie Ohana) endlessly films people because, y'know, we're all, like, human, and shit. I think we're meant to take that warm, fuzzy notion out of the cinema. You might. I didn't.

By Mel Campbell

What:
Our Legacy

Where:
Online here

How much:
Great Sweat $179
Deep Shawl Cardigan $270

There seems to be a prevailing consensus in this country that Sweden is some kind of promised land where everything works, everybody is attractive, and no one is fat. Well, I've been to Sweden and I can tell you that this is a total load of bollocks because I saw at least three fat people in the two weeks I was there.

Generalisations aside, the Swedes are a talented bunch. They know how to flat pack an entire kitchen, write catchy pop songs and make delicious meatballs. They also design some of the best menswear known to, well - men. Taking a slight departure from the slimline Scandinavian silhouette we have become accustomed to, Our Legacy is more rugged in its execution - think chunky knitwear, washed down denim and woollen blazers. Fit and finish is paramount and the use of high quality British and Italian fabrics gives each garment a classic heritage feel like something you might dig out of your grandfather's wardrobe.

I know what you're thinking, ‘another bloody Swedish label invading our shores', and you're right, it is another bloody Swedish label - but it's a bloody good one. This is slow fashion at its finest. In a time where trends are becoming incurably fickle, these pieces have an enduring sophistication that might just see you through this winter and the next.

By Michael Walker

What:
Format: Half baked (...half craft)

Where:
15 Peel St, City

When:
Sat May 15, 1pm-5pm

Contact:
Facebook

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OK, listen up, we know everything about you. Don't ask how, just accept it. We know that you follow at least one of the many cake blogs out there. We know that you've got every great recipe site bookmarked. You're considering ditching art school to open a ‘cake gallery'. You swoon when someone mentions the words ‘double choc'. You got a little bit addicted to the lemon slice during Format Festival. Yeah, we know who you are, and we also know that you're going to be extremely interested in this week's EAT/DRINK.

Those ingenious Format kids are at it again, this time putting on a one-day-only fundraising bake sale. Adelaide's finest baking crowd are offering up an amazing array of baked goods, not to mention some lovely craft (because everyone knows that cakes and craft go hand in hand). But wait, there's more! Need some coffee with that cake? Think some appropriately cute and twee live music could be a perfect soundtrack to the afternoon? Well wham, bam, thank you ma'am - Format Half Baked (...half craft) has got you covered on all fronts.

Yup, it's gonna be gooood. Cherry on top, anyone?

By Stephanie Lyall

What:
Ice-Skating

Where:
Thebarton Ice Arena, 23 James Congdon Drive, Thebarton

How much:
$14.50 plus $3 skate hire

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Do you ever wonder what the aliens think of us? I bet they think ice-skating is insane. The aimless circling, the appalling waste of electricity, the razor sharp blades attached to your shoes. Or maybe they think it's perfectly reasonable. After all, if there's one thing that burdens life on earth, it's friction, and if there's one thing that reduces friction, it's gliding about on razor sharp blades attached to your shoes.

Thebarton Ice Arena has a thing on Fridays and Saturdays called ‘The Fridge', where teenagers and the teenaged-at-heart can glide about the mood-lit arena, pretending they live in a wonderfully campy world without friction. It's not super cheap, but it's pretty much the best date idea in the world - way funnier than a movie. There are lessons on offer for 20 bucks a pop, but I wouldn't bother. Just watch a bunch of twee YouTube tutorials like this one and you'll be fine. For real, after a while the bruises on your butt sort of make you feel like you're not wasting your life.

By Stan Mahoney

What:
Fair Maiden + Shame Spiral + Old Mate

Where:
The Metropolitan, 46 Grote St, City

When:
Fri May 14, 9pm

How Much:
Free

"Oh thee Fair Maiden. Why thee occupy solitary? Do thou'th pine for an excursion from thy solo existence? Do we not all hunger for this, oh Fair Maiden?" - Not Shakespeare 2010. Folky Fair Maiden has changed, Mr Joel Carey and Mr Liam Kenny are joining in, it's a bit of a first and we hear they're a little bit nervous. You should probably get in the crowd and smile and clap, that should ease thy nerves.

What:
Chrome Dome with Hangin' All Night + No Action + Witches at Black Mass

Where:
The Exeter, Rundle St, City

When:
Sat May 15, 9pm

Where:
The Exeter, Rundle St, City

How Much:
Free

Who hasn't been through a Human League phase? I have. How can you resist a deep dark broody synth and spooky refrained vox? I can't. "Take a cruise to ChiNA, or a train to Spain" - OK that's one of their cheesier tracks. Chrome Dome play dark goth punk that sound a little like the Human League's darkest deepest stuff but a little more now, modern loathing, a lot more straight punk, minus the boppy dance floor beats. 'Life's A Party' is non-party irony through and through, 'Waste Of Time Waste Of Space' is vacuum cleaner synth self-loathing, and 'Negative Vibes' is straight synth punk with spoken dual vocals. Good moody stuff, thanks No Patience

What:
Golden Silver - A solo exhibition by Gary Seaman

Where:
Magazine, Clubhouse Lane, City

When:
Opens Wed May 19, 6pm
Runs until June 1

How Much:
Free

Kids today would look at a wooden train and go, "WTF! Wood? Lame! It doesn't even have a screen or nothing, OMG.". But what some kids forget is that wood is good. Ask Gary Seaman, he likes to play with wood. Artfully designed skate decks, custom toys, and fine wood panel pieces, plus MORE hand printed tees. Gary seems to be a man of all trades, not just inspired carpentry, check out his Golden Siver Project and take a peak a look at his works (all for purchase) at this upcoming exhibit.

For as long as we can remember, we've had grand schemes. We've aspired to be the kind of people who say "Between my hacienda in Spain and my waterfront mansion in Sydney, I pretty much never have to experience winter. You could say I chase the sun".

Unfortunately, we also aspired for loose creative careers. Said careers are not a fast track to owning property in any hemisphere. Instead of chasing the sun, when it gets cold we switch on tiny fan heaters and sit on the floor in front of them until we can feel our fingers again.

But it's not all clammy fingers and gloom! Grand Scheme is an Australian street and lifestyle label bringing the sun. The SS1011 lookbook features anice guy hard/soft combination of tattoos and spectacles. They're skimming smooth stones off rivers in cream chinos, watching sunsets fromunder pine trees in gingham button ups and turning their neatly-pressed, cottoned torsoes to warm, sepia skies. As it turn out, you can buy this kind of feel-good summer from Grand Scheme's onlineshop! We have a $60 voucher to give away. To enter, just answer the following question.

This week's question:
What is the best way to skim a stone?

a) it's all in the wrist action
b) by making the bounces proportional to V2 where V was the stone's initial speed
c) wear yellow, and ONLY YELLOW!!
d) with tender loving care

To be in the running send your answer, name AND postal address to win@fivethousand.com.au winners will be notified by email. Subscriber only entry. Not a subscriber? It's free you willies! Sign up here.