The Thousands

Hello bowlers. We can't help you with your ten-pin technique but if you're into drinking coffee in geometric domes, going to parties with incredibly long names,  laughing, crying or touching, or none of the above, then this is the issue for you.

Cover photo by Rachel Chapman. Hit us with your best shot! Email daniel@rightanglestudio.com.au.

Welcome to the future. It's 1994 here and gender (socially defined differences between men and women) doesn't exist. In Teen Witch, 'The Crush Issue', printed on full-on colour, glossy pages (formatted as annoyingly/amazingly as Duke magazine), are the stories and artworks of neon-online-beings.

The first article 'Too Hot For Youtube' is about Rhonettahot. A recently-purged Youtube account that was a 'camwhoring-as-an-artform' video diary of a failed American Idol star, who turned into a truck stop prostitute with purple lipstick and a blonde fright wig. She mostly filmed herself yelling about how famous and beautiful she is. There's a spot-the-difference with a picture of the #HDBOYZ. Hatsun Miku gets a shout out, and there's the long awaited 'Teen Advice with Molly Soda'.

This is all the brainchild of Zain Curtis, a young Chicago club kid who oozes creative juice all up in the Internet; he's kinda like if S4LEM, Nicki Minaj, and Ryan Trecartin had a gay baby but left it in the trash can at a 90s rave, where it was raised on smart juice and Special K. The authors and subjects are all crazy-good writers, musicians, performers and tweeters who're all seemingly best friends. I can't tell if they've met IRL or not, but it would be cooler if they hadn't. So deeply dialed into their virtual-mall-goth world, I wonder if they realise how incredible they are? Of course they do.

There are two shows from local five-piece Doe that stand out in my mind as two of the best live performances I have seen in this city - local acts or otherwise. And on reflection, the two performances were nothing alike, highlighting one of Doe’s biggest strengths.

This EP, released a little while back, is no exception, oscillating with ease from jagged rhythms ('Discriminating Chewers') to the endless repetition of a 4/4 beat ('OUI!'), from jazz-clean guitar patterns to assaulting noise (read: last track, 'Dog Learns English').

While their influences appear worn on Doe’s proverbial sleeve, with multiple listens these tracks become harder and harder to pin down. While innovation and originality are oft-pursued white whales for musicians, Doe have created a unique sonic landscape which draws on a variety of tones, rhythms and melodies resulting in an innovative EP and quite frankly, a real accomplishment.

I imagine that managing five members in a band like Doe would be almost nothing short of impossible. However, a credit to the evident ability of these guys, the structural cohesion of these songs is flawless and definitely unmatched on a local scale at the very least.

It’s hard to write about vintage markets or shops these days. There was a day when only a few crafty men and women were in the business. Now, every man and his goat is a vintage seller, and this is a big thanks to the wonderful world of the internet. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just a lazy writer. What we need is somewhere we can go where everything is in the one spot. Somewhere we don’t have to try and work out why we are paying for the absurd stall rent through the clothes we think are sweet but not quite worth the mint.

The kids who were behind Littlest Vintage are putting on something of a fun parade that I have a feeling will include neither indecent prices or racks of the same old stuff. That Dapper Market will play host to not only nice things to spend your money on, including a bunch of Adelaide’s finest collections like The Corner Stall, Gretel Girl and Dane + Vintage, but also live music, as well as design and homewares and even food! With years of vintage rummaging behind them, Littlest Vintage know what we want when it comes to vintage, so you can be sure to be walking away looking all dapper and swoony with money still in your purse.

The term ‘horse whisperer’ carries faintly ridiculous Dr Doolittle connotations, but there’s definitely something beguiling about horse trainer Buck Brannaman’s cowboy drawl. Brannaman, who consulted on Robert Redford’s film The Horse Whisperer and was one of the models for the title character, is a legend in ‘natural horsemanship’ and travels America holding clinics. Cindy Meehl’s documentary is a study in his wry, blunt charm; only a total dickhead would emerge from the cinema not liking this guy.

Rather than ‘breaking’ horses, Buck ‘starts’ them, using empathy and kind authority to inspire a seemingly uncanny transformation. Meehl shows Buck shrewdly sizing up clients along with their horses. Some are amazed, others ashamed. Some cry. Some hug him.

It could’ve been a cheap, melodramatic revelation that Buck’s sensitivity to abused horses springs from his own childhood – he and his brother were cruelly beaten into becoming child rope-trick prodigies ‘Buckshot’ and ‘Smokie’ – but Meehl lets the full picture emerge gradually. Buck’s deliberate choice to be gentle in his family life as well as his work is very moving. His foster mum is another inspiring presence – stay for the end credits to see her tell a very funny joke!

Graduate exhibitions are a pretty big deal, a monument to the achievements of a diverse group of graduating students, exposing the talents of an emerging generation of artists. Through the platform of the exhibition these artists represent their journey through the institution of the art school, from baby-bird foundation student to final year ‘I’m a real artist now that I have a degree’.

There is always the chance of the unexpected when such a large and diverse body of work is combined. There is an energy that runs between each work, mediated by its proximity to other works. Logan McDonald, the exhibition's curator for this year, will be performing no easy feat to bring the work of 29 artists together.

Constructed of fragments, Arlon Hall’s entangled paintings evoke unstable landscapes. Fiona Roberts and Claire Marsh respond to the body; fragile, uncomfortable, anxious, tactile, fleshy and alluring. Exploding from a native bouquet, CJ Taylor’s neon dingo is as much surreal as it is majestic. As Polly Dance mentions in the catalogue essay, the grad show is a beast; wild, animated, full of energy, and settled for the night to show off its plumage.

In today’s society owning an oil burner suggests you’re a thyroid problem away from menopause. The same way eating a packet of Werther’s Originals today implies you’ll be using a bedpan tomorrow. So you have all these fancy essential oils, but nowhere to put them. You can’t even walk into Dusk anymore without going postal. Regular oil burners are just a bleak reminder that you have entered the third trimester. OF. YOUR. LIFE.

Now picture this: a well designed oil burner. Incredulous, right? Wrong. Object design label Page Thirty Three have reclaimed the mandate to aerate by producing a laboratory-inspired essential oil burner. The apparatus is built upon a Tasmanian oak hardwood base, and features a metal clamp that secures the glass flask in place with a grip tighter than the atomic bond shared between Marie Curie’s isotopes. Each oil burner also comes with an Australian beeswax candle and homegrown lavender oil, working together to create a scent to bankrupt Glen 20. Light this baby and experience one hot flush you won’t forget. Many applause (just think about it).

About a thousand years ago, a lovely young couple started a multi-purpose Fringe venue on the roof of a building on Synagogue Place - milk crates, bamboo and crushed velvet, all lashed together with gaffer tape and fairy lights. Most people walked past the makeshift sign on the corner that said 'Tuxedo Cat' on their way to the Garden, but almost anyone curious enough to climb the stairs (at that time mostly comedy nerds, cabaret buffs and street art hipsters) will wax lyrical about Cass and Bryan's singular ability to sexify even the most challenging of venues.

Synagogue Place has since been demolished, and Cass and Bryan are about as old and broken as you can get after a thousand straight years doing battle with liquor licensing and local planning authorities. But their latest incarnation - a huge complex on North Terrace - is by far their most ambitious. The new site incorporates the Scarface-esque Club 199, as well as the cavernous next door bunker that was the former site of the flagship exhibition for The New New, and within these walls is a stupefyingly impressive venue-within-a-venue called Pigeon Island.

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Listening to community radio satisfies the same masochistic curiosity that urges you into a garage sale; though you’ll be forced to sift through a lot of shit, you occasionally stumble onto something magic. With this in mind, I usually keep my dial tuned to 93.7FM, home of the always-unpredictable Three D Radio. Though I’ve run into doo-wop presented by a charming fanatical German named Carmen, brain haemorrhaging yodelling, and demos that sound like they were recorded in a mouldy tin can, nothing is quite as mind-bending as the Prison Show, on every Sunday at 6pm.

The Prison Show follows the same format each week: hosts Helen and Baz read out messages both to and from inmates locked away in the various prisons in SA. The presenters bring new levels of endearing amateurism to community radio, providing a running commentary of their various cock-ups, from playing the wrong song to being unable to read the messages sent in.

Though Helen and Baz bring cringe-worthy entertainment, it’s the messages and requests that really make the show something else.

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Tuxedo Cat's latest incarnation is a massive achievement, and you'd be wise to be seen at this Friday's Big Time North Tce Grand Opening Glitterati Party Go-Go Bash™. Expect fancy drinks, proper coffee, spoken-word punks, inexplicably comfortable milk-crate furniture and top shelf live music courtesy of perennial garage pop favourites Gold Bloom, UK duo East End Cabaret, pre-teen Melbourne punks Dixon Cider and straight-up rockabilly practitioners Max Savage & His Wild Things. Now imagine a red-nut Cosmo Kramer spinning nothing but R&B - your friend and mentor DJ Potsie, midnight til the cops show. Giddy up!

Two Ships is fast becoming THE late night hangout for us folk who, having watched our friends play in their ‘interesting’ new band, have had one too may beers and feel the need to throw ourselves about like a weighted water balloon to out-dated pop music. This week, Sparkspitter, one of our finest ‘interesting’ (read: incredible) bands, will choose the pop music as well as play a live set from 12am–1am, before going back to spinning the pop once more.

You may have seen the eye-catching posters around town for Reverie and thought to yourself, “That looks nice.” Reverie is a Fringe exhibition featuring a series of delicate portrait paintings by emerging artists, Jennifer Allnutt and Piyarat Mukura. The work is nice, and oh so pretty, much like the world of fairytales and 1970s sewing patterns. Piyarat’s water-washes are considered and flamboyant, likewise Jennifer’s oils are weird and wonderful, both touching on themes of fragility and sadness. I get the feeling we’ll be seeing more of these two.

Marie Tussaud may have thought she was the ultimate wax when she decided to make life-like sculptures of Rousseau, Voltaire and Benjamin Franklin in the 1700s. But here we are in 2012, in need of some wax stimulation yet again. And you will find it in these here candles that become massage oil that become body balm.

Yes, the Kindle Kandle is a massage candle made from a natural blend of cosmetic-grade soy wax, scented oils, shea butter and vitamin E. It can be used in three ways: as a regular candle, available in six scents including Orange & Mango, Shannonpea, Tahiti Rosette, Cane Sugar, Gardenia and Butter Bean; as a massage oil for yourself or your significant other once the wax has melted; or as body balm once the wax cools down.

A list of Kindle Kandle stockists is available on their Facebook Page or you can enter to win an Orange & Mango right here! As always, you must answer the cryptic question.