The Thousands

Carl Cattermole wrote a survival guide to prison and he’s giving it away for free. Drawn from his stint at a UK jail, HMP: A Survival Guide is a smuggleable suppository of wisdom for the soon-to-be banged up, telling you exactly what you need to know to get by. But don’t expect any lessons on crafting shivs to fend off Boris the Ball Tickler. The only thing raring for your backside in the clink is the wang of bureaucracy.

The truth: prison is a mind-numbingly mundane affair. The trick is to navigate the bullshit rules while getting as much comfort as you can. First up, pay close attention to Carl’s warnings. The screws will always find a way to make you miserable and keep you longer, from intentionally losing your paperwork to drumming up minor infractions. Carl teaches you how to get around these pitfalls through a combination of cunning and common sense.

Then look for the spots of relief to keep sane: brew alcohol, hide a mobile phone, protect your mail from censors and use Carl’s system for passing items from cell to cell. You can even spruce up your prison lifestyle and décor, with Carl detailing reinvented prison fare recipes and blu-tac substitutions in what reads like a series of missives from the incarcerated Martha Stewart (prison name: M. Diddy, look it up).

After flipping through this 28-page guide, prison will seem manageable. Anyone can handle doing time, but Carl’s occasional hints of muted rage suggest it won’t be fun. If you’re willing to risk it, make it worth your while and pick a doozy of a crime to commit.