The Thousands

I recently bought an iPhone, so just the other day I went to Fonezone to get a little rubber case for it. I was helped by a heavily made-up girl who smelled like grape Hubba Bubba and spray tan. She had a thick Westie accent and a diamonte glued to her tooth. While we were crouched down looking at the stuff on the lowest rack, she told me she really liked my shoes. I was wearing my old faithful black Inniu oxford jazzies.

“Thanks” I said, “I think I’m almost due for a new pair”.
“Yah, I really like ‘em. They’re so fashionable. I’ve seen ‘em in all the stores lately”

Wait a second, what stores does she mean? The same store where she bought those low-rider, lace-up-side-seam flares? The same store she bought those (fake) Dior sunglasses she’s got tucked into her cleavage? I don’t mean to sound pretentious, but, I DON’T WANNA LIKE THE SAME STUFF AS HER!!

Until last week I was in the biggest pickle of my life: need new jazzies, but DO NOT want to get ones that SHE likes. Then I found Osborn Design’s online shoe store. It’s full of wearable tapestries for men and women, that are hand made by a small team of 25 in Guatemala (entirely fair trade, with locally sourced materials). These are tripped out, Brooklyn flavoured jazzies and booties that’ll keep my inner, self-aggrandising hipster feeling very, very hip.