The Thousands

Fuck ducklings. They are fluffy little balls of fur and they are insufferable pricks.

It starts with the thermostat. It always does. The temperature must be kept at 30 degrees after hatching, dropping three to four degrees each week until the ducklings are four weeks old and feathered. By that stage, the bitching stops and the ducklings settle for 15 degrees like a normal person. But then comes the neediness: for shelter, for food and for water. Seeing as ducklings are too weak to handle the rain and fend off the cat, you’ll need to provide an outdoor, hay-lined enclosure for the cowards. The hay must be replaced every day. For mealtime, you’ll serve chicken crumble (that’s crumble for chickens, not crumbled chickens). You can’t let the crumble get wet because ducklings are all fancy-like and refuse to settle for soggy feed. Keep a bowl of water in reach of the ducklings at all times and make sure it’s full. Not too full though, as the idiots are liable to drown in their own drinking water.

The upshot of all this? They will shit on you and they will claw you until you bleed. You won’t even have the comfort of a cute quack – ducklings don’t start quacking until they are one to two months old. Instead, they chirp like chickens. Endlessly. While your resentment towards them builds, they will continue to show complete indifference to you and everything you care about. Ducklings don’t give a shit about anything. Every night, you will sit with your ducklings on your now-stained couch in silence, smoldering with hatred.