The Thousands

Remember school? That was fun. Remember that time the old man made you play football for four years as some kind of weird extension of his own disappointment as a mediocre sportsman, and the one time in those four years you finally ‘hip-and-shouldered’ some kid with your scrawny frame the kid ended up on the ground writhing around on the grass crying tears of agony like the fragile nine year old he was? Yep, those were the days. Okay, maybe your story doesn’t go like that but there is a moral here: team sports teach you important lessons about social dynamics, good parenting, and the brutality of life. So, if you feel like you’ve stopped learning, forget French classes or that doctorate you’re doing for the sake of it, there’s only one thing left to do and that is thus: to play in a social sports team.

Through this you will learn a bunch of things about yourself that were left behind in the incendiary haze of smouldering pubescence/innocent youthful naivety. Things like you are actually an overly competitive narcissistic jerk or, on the happy side of the coin, you are a truly classy natural born leader. Social team sports are also fun because if you’ve had a bad day you can yell at the referee, the opponents, and your best friends, all in the safe environment of your local recreational facility. There are other things you can do that perhaps are less meaningful but just as important, like winning by confusing your opponents into sporting impotence by trash talking your own teammates. I recommend White Men Can’t Jump for the rudimentary skills. Try “Your Momma so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!”, and then customise your own from there.

So try it out – basketball, soccer, volleyball, all-in ping pong, whatever. At worst you’ll get healthier / lose some flub / have something to do on a Tuesday night other than scrolling your news feed on Facebook.