The Thousands cheap Hallowe'en DIY guide

· Wednesday October 24, 2012

I'm going to spell Hallowe'en with that obnoxious old-timey apostrophe so if you don't like Hallowe'en spelled that way consult another Hallowe'en tips and tricks guide from another online city guide that teaches you how to rain your housemates in blood. You know, for Hallowe'en. Choose from the pool of none. Though I understand there's an online Slayer guide that teaches you how to reign your housemates in blood.

We've consulted our team of writers (or should that be ghost writers) to contribute ideas for costumes and pranks that precisely align with Australia's general attitude towards the holiday. Which is to say: broadly enthusiastic but also kind of half-arsed. Have fun but also remember Hallowe'en is a pagan abomination and, as such, celebrating it will doom your soul to eternal damnation. Boo!


Kiloran 'Killerin' Hiscock
“She's dead… wrapped in plastic!” For about $10 you too can look just like Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks. Swing by a hardware shop, grab some plastic sheeting and tape yourself up. Add a touch of blue face paint (for that cold, deceased look), sand and wet-look hair gel and voila! Death becomes her. Last year when I wore this costume to a party, I bumped into a gentlemen dressed as the Log Lady - it was a very touching moment.


Nathania 'Ghoulson' Gilson
Disclaimer: It’s HalloWEEN not HalloWUSS, so if you’re not up to becoming a household legacy and getting kicked out of this aforementioned household as a consequence, pass this trick on.

For everyone who has ever yearned to make their loved ones feel like Janet Leigh on this blessed occasion, I am here to help you achieve it. Acquire some red matter such as jelly crystals or food coloring (the more you use, the dramatic-er the effect). Next, unscrew the part of the showerhead where the water comes out. Do this preferably when you are home alone - devious minds do not get caught in the act. Make sure you dry your showerhead well - you won't want it to start raining blood early. Pour your red crystals or food coloring in. Screw the showerhead back on, wipe off any excess leakage, and place the showerhead back where you found it. You’re done, you diabolical fiend. Now wait for your victim to jump in the shower and experience your carefully calculated blood bath. Let it be known that the food coloring will stain their skin for about 2-3 days after, possibly longer. It will not be a good look. But I guess the satisfaction of knowing you accomplished what no-one would dare to do will keep you going after you are rendered homeless and prepared to die alone. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


Tim 'Maggot' Scott
Who even likes toffee apples? A good way to ruin a delicious apple is covering it in toffee. I like apples. I like sweet toffee. But combine the two and I'm throwing the tooth shatterer across the road after one bite. Raw onions, on the other hand! Take something that is shit and make it shittier. Then give it to your friends as a Halloween prank. Get a bunch of peeled onions and put sticks in them (razor blades optional) then cover them with red toffee. Then hand them out like someone on a sex offender registry.


'Son of' Sam West
If, like me, this shit makes you chuckle like obese, bearded father of five driving an SUV to The Grampians, then you’re a fan of visual puns. Which also means you’re going to think this Halloween costume idea is pure gold. What you do is, see, you get a whole bunch of those little variety packs of cereal, you stick little plastic knives in them, then stick them to your body. When some bemused idiot with vampire fangs asks, “So what’s your costume supposed to be?” You say. “I’m a cereal killer!” Then nudge them and go, “Eh… eh!?” If they still don’t get it, poke them in the eye.


Thomas 'Tomb-Ass' Blatchford
If you’re getting up to horror movie-based hi-jinks at Hallowe’en then it’s nice to theme it all around one film, but it can be tricky. Take The Shining, for instance. It might be too much effort filling an elevator with pig’s blood or fucking up your front door with an axe, but there are things you can do.

First, get that typewriter you bought down at the flea market, bash out ‘all work and no play makes [insert your name here] a dull boy/girl’ a few hundred times while your housemate is down the pub, and leave the results lying around for them to see when they get back. Better than that, wait until they’re in the shower, sneak into the bathroom with lipstick, and scrawl ‘REDЯUM’ on the door opposite the mirror. They’ll either get the reference or think a horse has autographed it.


Alex 'Dead' Mann ('Walking')
While the other chumps at this years Halloween party are busy shooting from espresso glasses, you'll be playing God. Create whatever horrific concoctions you desire - whether it be a mix of cherry brandy, tequila and lime or the simpler alternative of straight-up whiskey (we personally used ginger ale plus scotch and creamy soda plus vodka) - it doesn't really matter what you use, so long as they are different colours. Pour the formula into two separate containers, one labelled 'Z-Virus' and the other 'Cure?' but make sure they're big enough for an oral syringe to fit in. Now it's time to go to town with your friends' fickle lives. Pat owes you $4 from that coffee last week, Z-VIRUS FOR HIM! Steph never returned that DVD you leant her, you're cool with it, but Z-VIRUS FOR HER! Phil is a  complete arsehole - CURE for him! At the end of the day it really doesn't matter who gets the virus and who gets the cure for both sides will still end up brain dead drunk - the only downside is Phil will still be a dick. Zombie cures never work.


Hayley 'Morgue' Morgan
In high school I was friends with a girl whose house was built right where a morgue once operated. As you'd expect, her house was haunted. Ghosts would fix her school blouse by tugging at the back, furniture would shake, and pot plants would fall down in the bathroom - that one I didn't experience because I was too scared to pee in her house. Her mum showed us how to see the ghosts: light a candle in a quiet room and place it right up against a mirror, turn off the light, stare into the mirror and wait until the dead guys show up. Turn on the light when you don't want to see anymore, but just because you can't see them doesn't mean they're not there.


Ronan Mac-'The Knife'-Ewan (tip #1)
You may have heard that Steve Jobs is dead. You may not be aware that his technological legacy doubles as the ultimate haunting device. How the what fuck you ask? Step 1: Hook an airport express up to some speakers and hide it under your flatmate's bed and/or cupboard and/or underwear draw (get in there, you filthy minx). Step 2: Download and create a playlist of spooky grumblings, psychopathic mumblings and monstrous stumblings. Step 3: Play the sound out of the hidden speakers in your flatmate's room using the airplay function (tap the square/arrow icon near skip track).

ProTip: Set the volume optimally: low enough so they don't investigate and figure out the location of your sound hive, but high enough to hear but so they can't figure out if they're imagining it. Feeling adventurous or cashed up? Buy several of them around the room and alternate it around the space - you can string this out for hours.


Ronan Mac-'The Knife'-Ewan (tip #2)
You know what's scary? This. Did you know the majority of this scene is quite easy to replicate in the domestic setting? Of course you didn't, because you're not a sadistic jerk who likes constantly scaring your friends, flatmates and lovers. Simply buy or create a scary mask (finally put those primary school paper mache skills to good use), place it in the toilet staring up directly into the face/soul of the user of the toilet, then close the lid so as to hide it and visually spring-load this boggy horror. Oh boy, imagine opening the poop schute and finding something like this malevelontly staring back at you.

Note: There is a risk they will simply not look and will just shit on it, in which case you'll be expected to deal with the aftermath - that's real horror.


Penny 'Dreadful' Modra
If you boyfriend has seen Ringu (or The Ring (2002) for those boyfriends who prefer Naomi Watts remakes) but infuriatingly pretends not to be scared in scary films, this is your revenge. Turn off all the lights in your house and hide behind the couch with the TV remote. Wait until he comes home and walks into the loungeroom, then suddenly turn the television on FULL VOLUME! On a channel that plays WHITE NOISE! Hahahaha. Punked! You Scary McClary.


Hugh 'Heart of Darkness' Minbeing
Dry Cleaning. The ultimate in simplistic and cut price halloween costuming. Maybe you are on the precipice of boycotting Halloween. The whole thing, the festivities and the horror just because you can't be BOTHERED with the administration of finding a costume. Not so fast you maniac. Just put a human-being sized plastic bag or poncho over your body and pretend to be dry cleaning! Maybe even borrow a coat hanger from your mum's cupboard and stick it to your neck with double sided tape to add authenticity. Or staple a raffle ticket stub to the sleeve of the garment below the plastic bag.

REMEMBER: you can dress any which way you choose underneath. That plastic bag is your gateway to a killer Halloween outfit. As an added bonus, you will be impervious to rain, hail and sleet AND immune to some turkey spilling food and/or drink on your clothes.