The Thousands

If someone is making a documentary called 'Limping Across The Finish Line' bad luck to them because they missed all the best footage at our office this week. (Teaser). But we couldn't give a doodie because it's holiday time! Thank you for clicking on us this year and thank you to all our readers who helped rhyme the COOLs and FOOLs last night, you're hired. Please be in the office on Monday to put together the Boxing Day sales guide, the NYE rundown, the summer reading list and the holiday handjobs haiku. We'll be back in your inbox on 12 January okay bye. x

Covershot by Natalie Nikitovic. Be deadly like Nat! Send covers to melbourne.photo@thethousands.com.au.

How's this for an in-store performance! It's classic Jay Reatard. With his Stax records shirt dripping in sweat he plays as loud and as fast as he possibly can to the point where his band struggle to keep up.

Of Reatard's staggering musical output, his 1998 debut LP Teenage Hate is still the best at capturing the punk spit and snarl as seen at the Fall Out Records in-store. Originally released when Jay was a teenager, the 1998 album received the posthumous deluxe reissue treatment from venerable US label Goner earlier this year and is about to be distributed locally when the first shipment arrives in Australia this week.

With pictures and notes from the original album plus material Jay put out (an interview with himself?) the reissue also includes covers of Fear and Buddy Holly, Lil Bunnies' 'Carrot Belly Bunny Blues' and the early Beatles B-Side 'I'm Down'.

In Reatard's own songs the lyrical themes are typical of what you'd expect from a pissed-off 18 year old living in Memphis. If he's not pissed off, he's bored, then lonely, then angry again but all the while he expresses these different emotions at the loudest rock and roll volume. An astonishing performer. A classic album.

Between 1973 and 1981 Tony Edwards worked for Australian surfing magazine Tracks (here's what it looked like back then). According to reports, what he did there was "embrace the worst excesses" of the era, give everyone doobs before they went on the radio - and drew a comic about a foul-mouthed yobbo surfing pig called Captain Goodvibes. Now the surfers at Flying Pineapple Media (who you might remember as the publishers of Peter Troy's journals, To The Four Corners of the World) have gathered together every Captain Goodvibes strip published over those nine years and turned them into a book - with historical anecodotes from Tony, original Tracks cover art and correspondence (including a complaint letter from Barry Humphries).

This is a massive document - 400 pages - printed on rough comic paper that you just want to smell, then colour in, then rip out and frame. But you wouldn't do any of these things because Captain Goodvibes is a legend who should be respected and feared. He's also loveable, though, as former Tracks editor Phil Jarratt observes: "Over time [Tony] gave Captain Goodvibes a gentler, more whimsical, even caring side." It seems crass to compare this cult Australian creation to an American project, but fellow fans of Dave Carnie-era Big Brother Magazine and how little it gave a shit will understand how excited I am when I say Captain Goodvibes has the same thing going on. But Tony did it first!

I commend the Captain to any of you who want to experience a time capsule of Australian, Whitlam-era surf culture - and what it's like to be friends with an overweight top banana swine.

What better traditional holiday entertainment than a rollicking English pantomime? This political fairytale is seasonably hilarious, and ultra-conservative British prime minister Margaret Thatcher, despite Meryl Streep’s uncanny verisimilitude, is as farcical as any cross-dressing panto dame. In 2008, the aged, demented ex-PM potters about, lost in her memories. She’s daring the audience to shout, “Your heyday is BEHIND YOU!!”

The dialogue is a scream. As Thatcher teaches her teenage daughter Carol (Olivia Colman) to drive, Carol struggles to overtake a cyclist and Thatcher bellows, “Move to the right! TO THE RIGHT!” Later, after Thatcher berates loyal deputy Geoffrey Howe (Anthony Head) for daring to spell ‘poverty’ with only one T, she overhears a disgusted fellow Tory saying, “I wouldn’t speak to my gamekeeper that way.” Periodically, her now-deceased husband Denis (Jim Broadbent) pops up as a puckish, increasingly wacky hallucination.

Are such picaresque antics what director Phyllida Lloyd and screenwriter Abi Morgan intended? Hopefully, because as a feminist underdog fable, it’s deplorably tasteless. Thatcher’s notorious career is glossed, casually spiced with archival footage of alarmingly savage police brutality, while Thatcher pontificates that she’s “done battle every single day of my life”. Retorts a brutalised Britain: oh no you haven’t!

Look at these mini pigs. Look at them. They have been selectively bred to grow no larger than 60cm because things aren’t cute unless they’re small. Look at that snout! Your pets suck.

So here’s the plan: buy a mini pig and call it Piggie Smalls. Piggie Smalls won’t ask for much. All Piggie Smalls needs is some space to roam, some soggy grain to eat and a puddle of water for playtime. Piggie Smalls doesn’t need toys, but Piggie Smalls will certainly not object to them. If Piggie Smalls is a boar, give him belly rubs (he’ll love that). If Piggie Smalls is a sow, stick to chin rubs (lady mini pigs are a touch more genteel). Make sure you use gummy snake lollies as incentives when training Piggie Smalls to sit and roll over. Piggie Smalls loves gummy snake lollies. Why? Piggie Smalls just does.

In return, Piggie Smalls will change your life with his unexpected compassion and intelligence. Piggie Smalls will demonstrate the loyalty of a dog and the self-reliance of a cat without being a moron or an asshole respectively. The two of you will form a bond that transcends words and squeals. On the way, you will learn about what it truly means to be human. Will it be enough to make you stop eating bacon? Probably not. Note: Mini pigs are for life, not just Christmas.

It's pushing 29 outside and I'm wearing a pair of these NOIR socks as I type. Ask Penny, I just can't stop banging on about them. A collaboration between Pete Le Chic's Melbourne-based label NOIR and CHUP Japan, they're 100% cotton yarn, come in three versions (red, navy or black toes and heels with a 4-colour jacquard in between) and are incredibly hot in both senses of the word. They're beautiful and they'll last forever.

I read an interview with Pete Le Chic about NOIR clothing and he said, "It's not disposable. It's there for you to have forever." I think that's a really nice and important way to think about the things we buy: that they should be there for us to have forever. The other week I did an interview of my own with Pete in his studio. He showed me his new socks, we took photos of them and he told me about how things have changed for him since he started his label. We talked about skill shortages which are forcing him to produce overseas, a conversation I've been having with a few people around town lately. These socks man. Penny can you see why I have been banging on about Pete and his NOIR x CHUP socks?

I've always made Christmas presents. Mostly because I'm always broke but also because I hate shopping. This year (to save me from tears) I'm making gingerbread houses. Gingerbread houses have been around for ages as a European winter treat, sold at Christmas markets across Germany and built into amazing gingerbread cities in Norway.

Those beautiful Norwegian houses are made out of a boiled and baked dough and can't really be eaten, so don't be intimidated by Nordic sculptural prowess. A good (edible) gingerbread house is easy to make with a little patience, strong icing and lots of decorations. Make a small house if it's your first – Norway can wait for next year.

To make a gingerbread house you will need:

- A good gingerbread biscuit recipe and ingredients
- Skewers string and cardboard for structural support
- Decorations. Glace cherries, mini M&M's, nuts, food dye, chocolate, sprinkles, liquorice allsorts, pretzels (anything edible, little and cute will work)
- A nice flat plate to put it on (a square of cardboard covered in wrapping paper works nice  too)
- Zen-like patience  read more

I can’t think of anything more normal to do for Christmas than drink black coffee with strangers from sunrise to sunset. And then for a few hours more. This year Mark Free of Black Coffee Pop-Up is granting us all my wish. Thanks, Jesus. Billed as an ‘orphans’ (literal or figurative) Christmas, I’ll be there just because I hate my family. Just kidding; love you mom.

Setting up shop in his studio / shop-front, Mark will spread Christmas cheer by serving up the kinds of coffee baristas drink on their days off. No milk. No sugar. No vanilla shots. Not even any espresso. What you’ll get is the kind of pallet-aggrandising self-actualisation that only comes from drinking single-origin coffee brewed in contraptions most people have never heard of, from the no frills aeropress to the Breaking Bad-esque syphon. There’ll also be a little cold drip for the hot and bothered, as well as snacks, beer and mojitos as the night kicks on.

Caffeine it up before family-ing it up or avoid them altogether and hang with Mark all day if you want. It’s fine.

I love the part of High Street where things get a little bit ghetto all of a sudden. All the hip establishments like Joe’s Shoe Store, Penny Farthing and the Northcote Social Club peter out at around Separation Street, then you turn a corner and BAM the cars get louder and there’s nothing but smash repair shops and franchises you’ve never heard of.

The recently reopened For the Love of Pizza epitomises this side of the tracks. There’s no flitting around with table service or boutique beers, it’s just good pizza and a scenic view of a dilapidated taxi yard. It used to only sit ten but they moved two doors down to accommodate around twenty five which is a good sign. The owners also run the much-loved Pizza Mein Liebe (Pizza My Love) down the other end of High Street. They were too busy to talk much when I ate there but I’m going to assume they’re German and they love pizza.

The menu doesn’t flit around either. It’s just good fresh stuff you want on a thin and crispy-based pizza (there are gluten-free options too). It takes a while if it’s busy (which it seems to be most of the time) but the wait is worth it. Oh and it’s not BYO but if you claim your doing a review for a reputable website they’ll let you drink in there.

It's the Vice Christmas Party and you're all not invited. Except for the people who win the three double passes we have to give away. And those lucky people will be rubbing shoulders with the people you usually rub shoulders with at parties in Melbourne - Royce and Josh. The party is in a great location in the city somewhere with free drinks that we can't tell you about specifically. These bands will probably be playing: Dodecahedron, Home Travel and Reptiles.

Joyeux Noël, bitches. To each and every one of you. And to all a good night. Wait what. The most wholesome fun on offer this Christmas is at the Tote on Thursday night, where queer party fanatics Ana Nicole are bringing the gift of music. And the miracle of drinking. They’ll be accompanied by a cavalcade of ‘stars’, including Fatti Frances, Plast Her Ov Paris, and Franco Cozzo, who’ll be crooning carols while Danceteria DJs enact a nativity scene. Probably hosted by Daryl Somers.

Mary, did you know that Benjamin Plant of Miami Horror will come a-wassailing to New Guernica this Friday? O come, o come, Emmanuel! Don’t keep yourself locked away in a manger - go ding dong merrily on high to disco-influenced prog pop. That’s right, children, go where I send thee. This star of the east Australia coast will be joined by two angels we have heard on high - Ando and Post Percy. Entry is free, but the cover charge comes upon the midnight clear. Joy to the world.

This isn’t just any sexy whippet rodeo folks. This is the *official* sexy whippet rodeo of Boxing Day Eve. So if you’re a short anorexic with a snouty face who loves flailing about in basements like your skinny thighs are clamped to a psychotic two tonne bull, then this could very well be the party of your silly season. Or even if you just like parties in general, you’ll probably have a pretty sweet time at a C Grade event. Star DJs on the night will be Tornado Wallace and Otologic from 1am to 8am.

Batman pretty much *is* Christmas. He travels the night sky like the star of Bethlehem, he wears a funny suit like Santa and he fights crime like Jesus. So it makes perfect sense that the Grace are throwing Batman-themed Christmas party this year. Playing on the night will be a one-woman band from the USA called Becky Lee & Drunk Foot, everyone’s favourite new wave/punk/erogenous zone The Clits, and a new group (featuring members from The Bonniwells, Living Eyes & Frowning Clouds) called The Doldrums.

Attention Melbourne fans of live music. Actually fans of QUALITY live music. This is the last night of music at the Builders Arms. Major bummer. But come along tonight to help the Wax Volcanic crew throw their office xmas party.
Stacy is going to get blackout drunk while the boss slips a disc during an impromptu limbo session. No Zu is opening up the night with an hour of straight up dance-a-thon DJ set. Brothers Hand Mirror and Footy are going to be playing live and Geoffrey O'Connor will be also dropping a DJ set of music for the lovers and dreamers.

How do you display your jewellery? On a doily? Hanging off a ceramic cat's tail? In a musical box with a spinning ballerina? How old are you? Twelve? Do you ever want to get laid? Is this an intervention? Yes. Do I want to you to crack? Yes. Why? You gotta hit rock bottom before you can reclaim your life. You need to stop taking late night visual merchandising tips from EFFY Jewellers Since 1979 on TVSN. You need Stampel.

Stampel is a Bendigo-based sustainable homewares and jewellery label by Andrea Shaw. She uses 100% upcycled materials including timber off-cuts and paint chips to hand-craft necklaces, vases and jewellery wall hangers. Owning a piece of her goods feels like the first time you bought a 'grown up handbag'. This is a transitory period in your life. At first you'll resist, but once you see Stampel's Recycled Timber Jewellery Hanger on Andrea's online store you'll know exactly what you have to do: Feng shui your jewellery collection. In fact throw it all out.

The road to jewellery emancipation is difficult, but thanks to Stampel it'll be made a little easier because we have one of these hangers and a Macrame Twig Necklace (knotted from waxed cotton with five oiled twig beads) to give away. To enter, just answer the following question.