The Thousands

We've reached issue 333! Half the devil's number. As a good a week as any for silky jumpsuits, psycopaths, film burning, dog hotels, paper cuts and procrastination. We're going put that Mark Zappenberger out of business we just know it.

Cover shot by Tom Debae. Be deadly like Tom! Send covers to melbourne.photo@thethousands.com.au.

Everyone we know seems to drool over everything Miranda July does. Her short stories, movies and art all document her hilarious journeys into the decaying soul of modern civilisation, while showing how she seriously removes sleep from her eyes. She’s the everywoman art darling, with an eye on the deep and the dumb.

Her new book, It Chooses You, is Miranda's procrastination project she wrote while making her most recent film, The Future. While It Chooses You is a diary of the angst associated with writing her film, it’s mostly a retelling of her encounters with eleven extraordinary normal people in L.A., people she tracked down via their PennySaver classified ads. With Brigitte Sire along to take photos, and a guy called Alfred there to ‘protect them from rape’, Miranda takes us into the bedroom of Domingo, a single 45-year-old who pastes up photos of women and babies on his wall and pretends he’s in the LAPD. And 17-year-old Andrew, who's trying to sell tadpoles before they sprout legs. And the dangerously creepy Ron, who's under house arrest (there's a tracker on his leg) selling Dr Seuss books. Joe, the last we meet, is an old man full of nostalgia who Miranda generously casts in The Future, one week before he dies of cancer.

Miranda July’s problems with the writing of her film is compounded by the weight and significance of the lives of the real people she interviews. At one point she says that they are "too big for fiction". She’s right, and It Chooses You leaves you thinking that perhaps The Future, a lesser achievement, was in fact her real procrastination project.

Okay, here’s what Eva and Franklin (Tilda Swinton and John C Reilly) need to talk about – how they ended up with a Eurasian kid (Ezra Miller; as a child, Rock Duer and Jasper Newell). Clearly there was a maternity hospital swapsie and they accidentally ended up with a sociopathic, high-school-massacring cuckoo. Where’s Angelina Jolie when you need her?

Eva’s subjectivity complicates the central question of Lionel Shriver’s source novel – whether Kevin is innately evil, or Eva’s ambivalent mothering nurtured his monstrosity. Lynne Ramsay’s film represents Eva’s torturous soul-searching in a lurid, nightmarish way, both in wistful memories of Eva’s life before Kevin and unsettling, retrospectively portentous ones of their battle of wills. As if in further penance, Eva stoically endures the hatred of her leafy community, whose golden children Kevin slew.

Ramsay’s heavy-handed use of ironic visual/soundtrack juxtapositions and allegorical imagery tip the film into melodrama, reminding me of I Am Love, also starring Swinton.

Eva flirts with Franklin in the rain, but sprinklers offer a more sinister soaking; she echoes Kevin’s repulsive nail-biting by picking eggshells from mouthfuls of omelette. And both Eva’s tomato-throwing travel memories and her cleaning an anonymous vandal’s red paint from her verandah evoke her Lady Macbeth-style ‘bloody hands’.

For the first time in five years HTRK return to Australia this week to launch their second album Work, (Work, Work). When Danny caught up with the band he promised himself he wouldn’t talk about Sean Stewart, Rowland S. Howard or narcotics. He failed miserably, scoring only 1 out of 3.

Jonnine Standish: I was just telling Nigel before you called that I dreamt about Rowland Howard for the first time in about a year last night. And then I looked at the date and realised it was his birthday. It’s a short dream so I’ll tell you about it…

William Bennet from Whitehouse had an exhibition and it was like you walk through a white sterile office like environment with the cutest girls that you had to shake hands with. Then as soon as you pass the girls and into the corridors there are just puppies and kittens and I was like "this is going to get dark, I just know it".

The next thing I know the girls are killing the puppies and murdering the kittens and as you leave the exhibition completely traumatized there’s Roland standing outside having a cigarette. He just turns to me and says, “that was fantastic!”

Danny Venzin: Nigel, have you had any interesting dreams lately?

Nigel Yang: Yes, as a matter of fact I dreamt that my wife turned into a bud of marijuana. Or was that a nightmare? I was carrying her around in a canister and I’d open it up and realized that I’d shaken it around too much read more

P.A.M. have long admired Japanese artist Misaki Kawai. They say, "At first we just bought her zines for Someday store and from there we asked her if we could use her artwork for the collection we were developing." She must have said, "Sure!" because if you have a look at their latest collection, Wild Wild Life, Misaki's prints are all over it. Of particular note are these slippery silked-up pieces made from 100% Silk Spun Habotaithe.

Misaki Kuwai's print of tigers, lions, parrots and crosses is spread across a royal blue and mustard yellow backdrop for three different designs: A pine cone layered dress, a full-length jumpsuit (Uma Thurman Kill Bill booya(!) kinda stylin') and a singlet with buttons up top and a pocket band at the base.

Fittingly, this morning I found an old magazine with an article on wearing shiny clothes. It said, "The question must be asked - how does one enjoy wearing shiny clothes?" It's simple. I put on the jumpsuit.

It is the pointy end of the year again. We knew this for sure when we smelled the just-dried ink particles wafting around boxes of new Design Files 2012 calendars at the Jacky Winter Group headquarters / dog pound today. "YOU smell," replied Jeremy. So we decided to stick to our original plan and not interview him. Instead, we spoke to Design Files editor and calendar mastermind Lucy Feagins about this year's collaboration.

Hi Luce. Last year was the Neighbourhood Calendar; this year it's the Collective Clutter Calendar. Is there a pattern to these themes that will gradually emerge over time?

Yes new theme! There is no pattern really and certainly not much forethought. It's just that we have many of the same illustrators on board again this year and you can't exactly ask them to draw Collingwood twice. This year, in keeping with TDF content and the whole snooping in people's houses thing, I was trying to think of a way we could see a little window into the world of  each artist. Plus I was a bit inspired by that cool blog 'things organized neatly'.

How did you decide which artist had to draw which clutter? Did you say "Marcela, you do the box of smoked mussels, Madeleine you do the gnome... What? No I said MADELEINE DOES THE GNOME."

Yes I was quite bossy this year. :) read more

There are some things about paper that the digital revolution will never conquer: Paper hats, that musty old book smell, drawing juvenile things on celebrities and politicians you don't like, the list goes on. This week a mini-festival called Cut.Slice.Fold, run by the Paper Convention Collective, celebrates paper. Brendan McKnight edits desktop, one of Australia's most respected design mags, and this Thursday he'll be at Cut.Slice.Fold talking about the virtues and challenges of paper publishing and design culture. Because I work for a web publication I decided to get pointlessly interrogative about Brendan's love of paper.

Why do you love paper so much, huh?

Well, even though I'm glued to a screen for most of my working hours, to me there's nothing that can beat sitting down and reading through a beautiful book or magazine. I've tried the iPad and e-reader thing, and while there are some terrific examples of clever and well-designed digital publications, i'd still prefer a tangible, real publication any day.

Why do you think the internet won't kill magazines like it killed CDs?

I can't see the internet killing off a particular type of magazine anytime soon. I guess desktop is particularly lucky, because our audience love paper read more

At this point the grand old dame of Melbourne cinemas, The Astor, has basically pulled a tit out of her corset and lifted a nipple to her awaiting tongue whilst making very pointed eye contact.

She's been the only cinema to project in 70mm for god knows how long but you didn't notice. Remember when she bought that Barco 4K projector, the only one in the country, in a flirtatious and lighthearted gambit for your affections? Of course you don't. You were probably whoring it up with one of those fillies from the Village. There have been other times she has made a play for your affections. Screening a near-complete print of Metropolis and countless restorations, one-offs, 2k and 4k presentations. The list goes on.

So this is it. The last stand before she puts on the wedding dress, pulls the curtains and asks you to call her Miss Havisham. She has unearthed the only print of a film of that had been thought lost since the 1930s.

It gets better. Produced by Tiffany Pictures in 1929, Mamba was only the sixth all-colour talkie ever made, the first that wasn't a musical. A tale of loveless marriage and forbidden love played against the backdrop of East Africa just as World War I breaks out. Mamba represented a massive financial gamble for Tiffany, which eventually bankrupted in 1932. The great depression, the skullduggery of rival studios and the laissez-faire attitude displayed towards film archival at the time led to its combustion (along with a great deal of other lost films) during a climactic scene in Gone With the Wind. Because of its remoteness (and the lack of torrents at the time), Australia was the last destination in a years-long journey taken by film prints. read more

The Dog Hotel is where you go to spay and neuter your hardened cynicism. It's at Hanrob - a bone's throw from Melbourne Airport. Most people leave their dogs here while they're on holiday. Some of us just visit to get all hopped-up and gushy on happy dog vibes.

Here, the pooches are pampered with more congratulatory backrubs than you would expect from a self-esteem workshop. Piped music is played at all times - according to a Hanrob concierge, baroque music is the most popular choice (and, no, she did not think "Johann Sebastian Bark" was even remotely funny). Standard rooms are a touch above your run of the mill kennel, but dogs with owners of good pedigree may opt for the luxury suite. The latter will set you back a few extra schmackos, but it covers the whole kit and ka-poodle: a television for the jowlier dogs, a swank chandelier and a doona-covered, pillowed-up cot. Titter now, if you must, but cooing is inevitable - these suites are more lavish than most human ones.

There are even activities. Oh, the activities! Indoor picket-fenced enclosures host a range of extra-curricular courses for an extra fee. The standout: the Playtime and Games session. Woah, heel! Does that mean there are dogs playing poker? Don't be silly, we play canasta here. The dogs are struggling with some of the rules, but I'll extend my stay so I can get them up to speed. My only complaint: the chicken kibble mix tastes awful.

People from the countryside are so damn lucky. If ‘going home’ means driving down a winding road to a cottage on a hill where delicious smells waft through the windows, you’ve got it made. But for us city types who long for such a retreat, the newly opened St Andrew’s Pizza Shop is about as close as we can hope to get. Only a 45-minute drive from Melbourne proper and opposite the St Andrew’s markets, the Pizza Shop is barely a week old but already bustles with the air of a much-loved local.

The venue is owned by Steve Simich, refined gent and all-round bon vivant, and Dan Zeidan, part owner of the Grace Darling Hotel and Strange Wolf Basement Bar, so you know it’s going to be good. What you don’t know is that it’s really, really good.

The boys hoof it behind the bar with their red tea towels thrown over one shoulder, grinning as they toss dough to the crackling sound of the record player. The pizzas are all made from locally sourced ingredients, which are fresh and creatively put together. The lemon curd and berry dessert pizza is particularly good. With a liquor licence still in the works, bring a beer-filled esky and raise a cold one to the lads. They’ve done good. Because unlike so many of the posturing city café’s and trendy gastro-pubs, the St. Andrew’s Pizza Shop is timeless, genuine, and truly beautiful.

Acne are having a four-day sale. The invitation said it was "invitation only" but you guys are actually all welcome. It's at the Acne store! Not the one you went to the other day though. The main shop is still on ground floor but the sale will take place in another shop. Amazing! But you can't buy the pants you tried on over the weekend because it's samples and past season stock only. It's all very confusing until you put on a pair of leather cigarette pants and go, "Awwww. This totally makes sense."

Don't pay full price for dots on lovely cardigans. No really, don't. The ladies at Kinki Gerlinki have an annual warehouse sale with up to 90% off. Dresses, shirts, jackets, shows, accessories and necklaces for you in time for festivities. Kinki Gerlinki says, "Finally, the festive season brings you something more to look forward to than the spectacle of your boss stirring his daiquiri with his penis at the office Christmas party!" Anyone know who writes their pressers? Legendary.

Did someone shoot a gun to officially open the album launch season here in Melbourne? The latest in a swag of damn fine Australian releases/launches of 2011 is Dick Diver's debut 'New Start Again', which they are launching at Phoenix this Saturday. Much has been said of the 'Australianess' of this band and album but it's not that surprising, since they are Australian. Surely there would be more cause for concern if people started talking about their Estonianess? But the Dick's - Steph, Rupe, Al and the other Al - play the kind of casual, chilled pop that is universal in its... well, chillness. Music that's like driving with the window down, cracking a cold beer or hanging out with friends. To get a sense of what I'm talking about check out the new video for their song 'Through the D' or just get along to Phoenix. Supports come in the way of The Harpoons and White Woods.

Bamboo Musik is hosting a market. A market in the Mercat Basement? A market in a cave? No, it's a record fair and flea market in the day hours on the banks of the Yarra. DJs Roman Wafers and Dick Cheese will play the soundtrack for you to shop to. And hey, if you think you have something to sell, registrations for stalls are $0. Email them!

Get your pencils out kids, there's going to be a test after. It's really not that complicated, it's just that I'm just going to pleasure myself later to the idea of you taking notes. Vice is setting up a mobile studio in Racing Club Lane. Absolute Boys, Parking Lot Experiments, Electric Smile Band, This Thing and a super-secret guest are going to record there in the evening. The inimitable Jack Farley is going to record, mix, master, press and package the whole megillah in time for release at a party the next night.

During these parties live video of the next band to release a recording will be projected in the party area outside The Buffalo Club. Of course they'll just be recording then. Not releasing. If you've been paying attention you'll realise there's no release on the first night. Parking Lot Experiments will be busy recording. No matter! Buffalo Club DJs will be holding things down, don't you worry. I suppose I should mention the whole thing is presented by Vice. I don't want to. Those guys are assholes. Hear that Vice? Fuck you. Just kidding, Vice. If any of you are reading I made oil paintings of you sleeping. Email me if you want them.

Over Melbourne Music Week there are some pretty cool and unique venues for shows: a church, a rooftop, a cube. But nothing quite beats the location for the Chapter Music showcase - a freaking gaol. Yeah, with a g! It's a fitting venue for a darkly eccentric show where the past will rub shoulders with the present: reformed '70s synth-punk legends Primitive Calculators, the drily intoned vocals and flailing polyrhythms of Essendon Airport and the minimal, hypnotic sensuality of current favourites Fabulous Diamonds. Even if you are doing time in some other prison/jail/gaol, break out for the night and come to this one!

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George was a hand model? For a moment you had impure thoughts about him with his perfect cuticles, pearly white phalanges and liver spot free hand. You looked down at your own clappers and cringed.

Listen up flipper hands, you need Salus Body, the creation of Jason Cook (former co-owner and general manager of Aurora Spa Retreat), offering Melbourne-made body, hand and therapeutic products including bath salts, herbal pillows, heat packs and soy candles.

Their new "best of spa" range contains botanics that reduce premature aging, increase hydration and restore your sense of wellbeing. They're also free from harsh chemicals, mineral oils and synthetic fragrances.

Salus Body's Hand Rescue Kit is neatly packaged in a drawstring bag, containing their Lavender and Mandarin Hand and Cuticle Cream and Grapefruit and Jasmine Body Cleanser, which promise to reinvent your handshake with chamomile, aloe leaf, jojoba, plant extracts and vitamin E. Kits are available online at their website.

But listen to this. Thanks to Salus Body, we have a Hand Rescue Kit (valued at $69.90!) to give away. To enter, answer the following question.