The Thousands

This is us! Sending you an important email. Your car is floating down the gutter right now so there's not much time. There's a cowboy, a Calvin, a crush, a kindle kandle, a Cameron, a cramps coiffure, a Cass McCombs and a cat painting at the Crafternoon Cafe. All right go, just GO.

Covershot by David Boyson Cooper. Be deadly like David! Send covers to melbourne.photo@thethousands.com.au.

The term ‘horse whisperer’ carries faintly ridiculous Dr Doolittle connotations, but there’s definitely something beguiling about horse trainer Buck Brannaman’s cowboy drawl. Brannaman, who consulted on Robert Redford’s film The Horse Whisperer and was one of the models for the title character, is a legend in ‘natural horsemanship’ and travels America holding clinics. Cindy Meehl’s documentary is a study in his wry, blunt charm; only a total dickhead would emerge from the cinema not liking this guy.

Rather than ‘breaking’ horses, Buck ‘starts’ them, using empathy and kind authority to inspire a seemingly uncanny transformation. Meehl shows Buck shrewdly sizing up clients along with their horses. Some are amazed, others ashamed. Some cry. Some hug him.

It could’ve been a cheap, melodramatic revelation that Buck’s sensitivity to abused horses springs from his own childhood – he and his brother were cruelly beaten into becoming child rope-trick prodigies ‘Buckshot’ and ‘Smokie’ – but Meehl lets the full picture emerge gradually. Buck’s deliberate choice to be gentle in his family life as well as his work is very moving. His foster mum is another inspiring presence – stay for the end credits to see her tell a very funny joke!

RELATED LINKS: We spoke to Buck Brannaman about the movie about him

So you say you're not a fan of 'jazz'. Listen to this album and I promise it will make your day better!

Recorded in 1971 for the influential Black Jazz label and re-released earlier this year on 180 gram vinyl for Tompkins Square records, Shawn Neeq is a brilliant early jazz guitar, rare groove and hard bop burner. Cop the blow out that is 'BK'. It's just under ten minutes of early funk with obvious traces to Miles Davis (Bitches Brew was recorded a year earlier) but Keys adds enough to make it his own. And own it he does!

Keys was known as a legendary sideman - having worked with some of the piano greats of the early '70s, including Ray Charles and Ahmad Jamal - and his guitar stylings on Shawn-Neeq burst with a spirit of black consciousness and the free expression of the time. This was released the same year that Shaft and Marvin Gaye's What's Going On? appeared. Important times in black music and culture. So you say you're not a fan of 'jazz'. Shawn-Neeq is more than just jazz.

Welcome to the future. It's 1994 here and gender (socially defined differences between men and women) doesn't exist. In Teen Witch, 'The Crush Issue', printed on full-on colour, glossy pages (formatted as annoyingly/amazingly as Duke magazine), are the stories and artworks of neon-online-beings.

The first article 'Too Hot For Youtube' is about Rhonettahot. A recently-purged Youtube account that was a 'camwhoring-as-an-artform' video diary of a failed American Idol star, who turned into a truck stop prostitute with purple lipstick and a blonde fright wig. She mostly filmed herself yelling about how famous and beautiful she is. There's a spot-the-difference with a picture of the #HDBOYZ. Hatsun Miku gets a shout out, and there's the long awaited 'Teen Advice with Molly Soda'.

This is all the brainchild of Zain Curtis, a young Chicago club kid who oozes creative juice all up in the Internet; he's kinda like if S4LEM, Nicki Minaj, and Ryan Trecartin had a gay baby but left it in the trash can at a 90s rave, where it was raised on smart juice and Special K. The authors and subjects are all crazy-good writers, musicians, performers and tweeters who're all seemingly best friends. I can't tell if they've met IRL or not, but it would be cooler if they hadn't. So deeply dialed into their virtual-mall-goth world, I wonder if they realise how incredible they are? Of course they do.

After several consecutive, non-consensual, faux-hawk incidents executed by suburban mall barbers in my youth I’ve been cutting my own hair for the past ten years. And don’t get me started on those trendy chains where they go so far as to liquor you up before perpetrating folicular date rape. Most barbers simply can’t be trusted with your most essential aesthetic asset but something tells me Summer Bousaab is an exception.

Summer has spent more than a decade cutting hair across continents and maybe just as long collecting the kitsch curiosities that line the walls of Electric Brain. The single chair shopfront is decked out with collectibles from box fresh Rat Fink figurines to framed Garbage Pail Kids cards and the '50s B-movie aesthetic is a refreshing change from the hard wood interiors of some more dudely competitors.

Thirteen years experience at 25 bucks a trim make Electric Brain a competent and competitive contender to cut your cramps coiffure or Frankenstein flat-top.

Mottainai is a Japanese term meaning a sense of regret concerning waste when the intrinsic value of an object or resource is not properly utilised. Did I write that? You kidding? That's some elegant copy straight off the paper sign at the entrance to Cameron Trethowen's bike shop and repair service. Fittingly, Cameron's named his workshop Mottainai Cycles and most of the time you'll find him and a crack team of mechanics pulling apart and reassembling vintage bikes.

But don't go down here looking for some rickety-dink clump of metal spray painted in yellow with a basket cabled-tied to the front. These may be vintage, but Cameron gives them lots of love and labour-intensive service. He says you should expect to enter a ten to thirty-year relationship with your new set of wheels. Hey, that's commitment. So think long and hard about your new wheely-counterpart. Again, clairvoyant Cameron is here to help: part of his service is sussing you out and pairing you with a bike he thinks you'll bond with.

Joe Shakespeare from Berlin's renowned publication distributor Motto has recently moved to Melbourne and he's been plotting with Geoff Newton at Neon Parc. The upshot is that they're opening a temporary bookshop in Brunswick this week.

Since it was founded in 2007, Motto has expanded its catalogue to more than 100 small publishers, distributing to at least 100 shops worldwide. The Motto temporary bookshop has travelled to Vilnius, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Hamburg, Frankfurt, Moscow, Vancouver, Stuttgart, Athens, Seoul, Tokyo and Paris. Brunswick is a logical extension of this, and there happens to be an artist studio with useful roller door access that they can use from February 18 to 25. Joe will be selling books and magazines that are not widely stocked in Melbourne from publishers including collaborative photographers TONK, Zurich risographers Rollo, culture quarterly Kaleidoscope Press and Birmingham-based Eastside Projects.

Check out a longer list here.

Melbourne art dude from way back Danny Lacy has been scarcer in these parts for a while, because he became the curator at Shepparton Art Gallery. And he's been even scarcer for the past eight months because the Shepparton Art Gallery (SAG) has been transforming into the less droopy-sounding SAM (Shepparton Art Museum) via a sneaky $1.98 million renovation.

They're launching SAM on Saturday, which is a good excuse for a road trip for the face painting and show bags alone. But there will also be new exhibitions including Sir John Longstaff: Portrait of a Lady, The 2011 Indigenous Ceramic Art Award and a new drawing wall project by Gosia Wlodarczak. We asked Danny for some behind the scenes info:

What's your favourite thing about the SAM renovations? If you had to pick one thing?

The best thing about the renovations are the new permanent collection spaces, six in total. These allow us to showcase the collection like never before, thematically curating the collection strengths. This includes a contemporary room and a huge new ceramics cabinet.

We said ONE THING. JK, sorry. Do you have any Shepp tips for visitors?

Country op shops are good. Teller Collective hotspot for dinner, the re-developed lake is great place to relax. Don’t mind the brightly coloured fibreglass cows, they don’t bite!  read more

Pound Bend is a gnarly 145-by-6-metre tunnel that diverts a bend in the Yarra through a limestone hill in Warrandyte State Park. Its history is riddled with the kind of tragi-comic failures that prove huge amounts of effort and ingenuity don’t necessarily lead to any reward. In 1870 a prospecting company decided to hack out the tunnel with the intention of draining the riverbed and mining the sweet, sweet riches underneath. Two years and several deaths later the site was finally ready to be plundered only to reveal a few measly nuggets and bankrupt everyone involved. In 1884 (and again in 1920) some forward-thinking entrepreneurs thought they could repurpose the now-useless gushing tunnel into a hydro-electricity plant that would power the whole city, but - like many sustainable energy projects since - it never actually eventuated.

These days the true purpose of Pound Bend’s gold rush initiative has come to light: it’s a gnarly big hole that looks cool. Now lazy people like me can spend entire days hanging out on the Yarra bank then trying to swim against gushing waters like it’s an endless swim-spa. It also makes the river a great speed for floating on a tyre tube. The effort is minimal but the reward is high.

Ricky Lee Nelson says he has no idea what to expect at next Sunday's Vintage Bike Meet, apart from the presence of his wife and close friends. While I would advise him to hold off on the catering, I don't think he should underestimate Melbourne's love of bikes, road trips and chances to crash intimate gatherings.

On the lapping shores of Lake Weeroona in Bendigo, expect an old-school meet and greet where customs, low-riders and every other pre-'80s two-wheeler can come to show off their sissy bars. If you ask nicely, Ricky will tell you all about how he converted a '71 Malvern Star long frame with a three-speed rear hub into what looks like a '70s freeway flyer chopper motorcycle but isn't. This guy has spent his entire life watching his dad restore vintage and classic wheeled things, so he knows a thing or two about all the bits and the bobs and what they do. After being pressed on the issue, Ricky admits to having a few expectations for the event, namely "nothing but cruising, few yarns, wheelies, skids and maybe a couple of sneaky brown waters." Wham-O!

RELATED: Closer to home, the three-day BikeFest Treadlie Market starts this Fri Feb 17 at Birrarung Marr /  If you go to Bendigo next weekend for the Vintage Bike Meet, pop by the Newstead Swap Meet too

It's the Crafternoon Cafe. But I call it the Hangover Haven. But you can call it the Arsehole Antidote. It doesn't matter! What matters is that Tegan Cumerford moved here from Brisbane, rented a house/shop on Nicholson Street and began building a cafe where the floor is papered with pictures and you can order clag with you corn fritters.

The front page of the menu is just craft projects. You can make badges (oval, square and round, optional bottle-opener backs for the gentlemen), you can make collages. She has glitter, beads, pasta, tissue paper, straws, sticks and clag. She has paints and tiny easels. She has home-made play-doh (technically edible) that comes with tools including a plastic hammer. She does coffee, vegan-friendly breakfasts and lunches and late-night stitch and bitches on Tuesdays.

"I want to make a sexy woman lying on her side wearing this leopard-print tissue paper," said my colleague. This is a place where unstable people like my colleague can feel at home. But I felt at home too! I ordered a flat white and brushes and painted a portrait of my cat Robert. You won't need to see the source photo to recognise him, but he wanted me to show you.

Flickerfest is a short film festival. It was founded in Sydney but this is its 21st birthday so it's doing a victory lap around Australia. Much like the one they did for their 20th birthday. There are two screenings on the one night in Melbourne. The first and the second have a collection of different short films but it's about six for each, so go to either. The films look wonderful. Some comedy. Some drama. Some animation.

If I was going to recreate a battle scene to theme a party I always thought Waterworld's 'Attack on the Atoll' would top the list. You know, apocalypse clothing, harpoons, ramps and water-skis - a solid buzz with the kids. Then came RAOB GAB's announcement: LAZERBERN 'Episode II - The Battle for Naboo' with Space Dimension Controller. With that, we read about the commissioning of gigantic Jar Jar and B1 Battle Droid heads from the professional prop-maker Matt Cotter (the guy who actually worked on the prequels) to put behind the decks, which probably have inbuilt smoke machine and lazer capabilities. Then there's the rumour about everyone getting a lazer gun on entry. And to seal the deal, a trailer. A trailer which I think darts about the nitty gritty and focuses on the essence of this party of the week/month/year: unbridled, dishevelled, heart-breaking fun.

Roll in for bicycle valet parking at this event mah fuckoos! Test ride the dream mah man! This market is luxe de luxe for cyclists with bike distributor, retailer, collector and general enthusiast stallholders. Check out your competition at 'Best In Show', a sort of beauty pageant for bikes. If you like stickers and ribbons, there is the 'Wheelie Workshop' which is a beauty/safety workshop for your bike. The 'Etsy Bike Decorating Booth' is much the same fashion as a place where you can fashion your bike with wool, sequins, anything. The 'Projector Bike Film Night' is a mini-film festival you watch by follow it around. Go to performances and quick bike repair at the 'Rock N Roller Carnival Day'. Or if you are a people person, there is this here 'Swap Meet'.

It's a couple of Belgian fellows who play the dance music that all the kids seem to enjoy. What more do you want? A link to their Soundcloud? A link to their most recent appearance on Beats in Space? To a party mix they did for Gomma? To a bunch of remixes of tracks from their album Whomp That Sucker!? Too bad. You're not getting any of that shit. I refuse to even tell you that support is by Bamboo Musik DJs, Andee Frost and Awesome Wales. Instead I suggest you join me quietly in prayer. Beseeching God to enter your soul through your tenders and then out through your firms. Asking him to deliver you from these continental gadabouts, these nouveau-disco flimflammers. Then we'll put a little Liberace on the hi-fi, drink some warm water and be goddamn thankful for it, I'll tell you.

Cass McCombs is a singer-songwriter who's famous aversion to publicity or promotion and nomadic nature operates as a self-fulfilling mythologising tool. That's not so bad, music right now could do with a few more mythological figures. To illustrate I was about to claim that Bob Dylan doesn't have a Twitter feed until I found out, oh boy, Bob Dylan has a Twitter feed. Maybe that's just the problem. In any case, homeboy is one EP, six albums and countless effusive reviews into being the anointed balladeer of the Pitchfork set (not a slam). The kind of cat who, if he keeps this up, will have people wanting to publish a book of his lyrics. Support by the shimmering REM sleep landscapes of the Orbweavers and the similarly lush arrangements of violin, percussion, voice and effects conjured up by Wintercoats aka James Wallace.

Last time the Real Hot Bitches Dance Troupe ran a dance class series it was bitchin. This time, though, it will be "BITCHING OUT for Human Rights!!" Head bitch (bitcheroo?) Molly Moonshine has decided to climb Mount Kilimanjaro to raise money for Amnesty International, but first she needs money to get to the bottom of the mountain. Book a $10 spot in one of the current series of Bitch classes and 100% of your money goes to Molly's mad mountain challenge. On Tuesday 21 February they're teaching 'Respectable' by Mel & Kim.

Marie Tussaud may have thought she was the ultimate wax when she decided to make life-like sculptures of Rousseau, Voltaire and Benjamin Franklin in the 1700s. But here we are in 2012, in need of some wax stimulation yet again. And you will find it in these here candles that become massage oil that become body balm.

Yes, the Kindle Kandle is a massage candle designed and made in Melbourne from a natural blend of cosmetic-grade soy wax, scented oils, shea butter and vitamin E. It can be used in three ways: As a regular candle, available in six scents including Orange & Mango, Shannonpea, Tahiti Rosette, Cane Sugar, Gardenia and Butter Bean; As a massage oil for yourself or your significant other once the wax has melted; Or as body balm once the wax cools down.

A list of Kindle Kandle stockists is available on their Facebook Page or you can enter to win a Gardenia one right here! As always, you must answer the cryptic question.