The Thousands

As part of the Sticky Institute’s annual festival this week there’s going to be a human photocopier and that leaves us with two possibilities: it’s either the world’s shittiest Transformer or a man in a box with some pens and paper.

We might be wrong though. According to Sticky, it’s the result of “genetically splicing a photocopying machine with a human boy”. They call it the Thommox mod.8612. We caught up with the Thommox to get some answers. Whatever it is, it’s been kind enough to compile a mix tape of photocopy-related tunes for you. File it next to The Laminator’s Lament and Ballads of the Binding Machine.

TF: Beep beep bip bop beep?
Thommox: I’m sorry but I find that offensive. Modern photocopiers don’t use language like that any more, despite what the media may tell you, and we are obviously much more progressive than you give us credit for. 

TF: What inspired you to become a human photocopier? Has it been a lifelong dream?
Thommox: I am programmed to only find fulfilment in successfully serving the photocopy needs of whoever uses me, so I suppose it has sort of been a lifelong dream, yes. I know that my creators invented and developed me because they felt office equipment had become too soulless, and that everyday machines like photocopiers needed to have a bit of the ‘human’ put into them. So they achieved that by having a bit of a human put into one.

TF: Tell us about the process involved in being a human photocopier.
Thommox: Well the process is pretty much the same as with your average photocopier, in that I get shown an image and then reproduce it…only there’s bits of a human involved. To be honest I’m wary of revealing anything other than that, because our competitors are keen to find out my secret. My creators have reason to believe technology like me is being used by rival photocopying companies already, just behind closed doors. My previous owners are slightly to blame for this because, once they had a prototype developed, they tried to start a bidding war between Fuji and Xerox – not realising that those two companies actually work together.

TF: What do you think the role of photocopiers is in an increasingly paperless world?
Thommox: Hey I’m not worried, I think we’re still relevant. Every advance in technology makes people question whether the methods they’re currently using will soon be obsolete, it’s just a natural way of reacting. For instance, the monks of the Scriptorium were terrified when the printing press was invented because they feared it would put them out of work. Obviously they had every right to be because that’s exactly what happened, so that’s a bad example. But anyway, I reckon once you’ve become useful you stay useful forever. I was telling my mate Beta Max that just the other day.

TF: Will you let us photocopy our butts?
Thommox: Absolutely not. I like you and everything but I think this is taking things a little too fast. Plus, I don’t really have the structural capacity to support the weight of a person’s full body, so sitting on me is forbidden and will automatically void my warranty. Chests are OK though.

TRACKLIST
1. Senor Coconut Y Su Conjunto – Man Machine
2. DJ Revolution – Man Or Machine
3. Andy Arthurs – I Am A Machine
4. Fujiya & Miyagi – Photocopier
5. Son Of Dave – Harder Better Faster Stronger
6. Mistabishi – Printer Jam (Gassyoh Remix)
7. The Church Of Hysteria – Photocopy Haptik – Photocopy Fairytale
8. Adam And The Ants – Zerox
9. James Houston – Big Ideas (Don’t Get Any)

Thomas The Human Photocopier mix by Ttfb on Mixcloud