The Thousands

Pop up shops. When will the pop ups stop? Even Tyler the Creator has one. So when Lucy Feagins of The Design Files decided to take her blog to the third dimension she knew she had to do something different. The result: The Design Files Open House – a partnership with The Project Agency’s Esther Navarro-Orejon. Lucy and Esther have refitted a Fitzroy house with locally made furniture, artworks, homewares, textiles and accessories and EVERY. SINGLE. THING. IS. FOR. SALE.

It’s open from today (Thursday) at 10am until Sunday at 5pm. But if you think you’re going to be able to just stroll in like Ricky Swallow at a Californian trinket bazaar you’d better think again. Design Files readers are faster at shopping than you. So you must be strategic. That is why I painstakingly hand drew you a map of where to find the best things in the house before anyone else.

Sure I was kinda inspired by Alcatraz’s guided tours, but deep down I only want the best for you (and your interiors). Click through for a 16-step guided tour and strategy.

THE MAP (VIEW LARGER)

DOWNSTAIRS

1. Walk through the main entrance, turn left, a Baggu backpack of your choice will be waiting for you.

2. Master bedroom, first door on the right. There is massive Miss Beba cushion in the corner; there’s only one in the house. Don’t just stare at it, ORDER IT!

3. You’re victorious in your conquest of the Miss Beba cushion, step back into the hallway because you can relive this victory next year by marking it in The Design Files Calendar 2012 located on the calendar wall.

4. Break out into a power walk until you stub your toe on the Sunday Dining Chair by Jardan. These are usually $1663, but they’re only $995 at TDF OH. Call your mum and tell her this.

5. Take a breather. This Graf It pad supplied by Notemaker is only 30cm away, on the stationery table. You can use it to draw a pie chart of the $668 your mum just saved on the chair.

6. Somersault under the Jardan table to the book shelf, where you will find the ‘Kamai Paper Washi’ MT Masking Tape. This tape is supposed to go on the outside of presents. No more fiddling around with sticky tape loops – just plaster this shit around your presents until they look stripey!

7. Now pick a card from the Card Rack. Just look at these Able & Game ditties. Hilarious.

8. You’ve nearly clocked level one, just one more move. Go through the partition into the Kids Room, then turn left. Hanging on the wall Emily Green necklaces on Stampel jewellery hangers. YOU. NEED. BOTH.

UPSTAIRS

9. Walk up the flight of stairs and you’ll notice terrariums by Miniscapes on the wall ledge. If you’ve ever considered parenthood, not many people know you need to pass the terrarium-rearing test first. It’s easier though because you only need to put water in the hole.

10. At the top of the staircase dart straight ahead to the back wall, a collection of woven bowels by Maryann Talia Pau await you.

11. Turn right and weave your way through the kitchen until you reach the next wall. Three words: DAWN TAN ORIGINALS.

12. Move two steps to the right, Dane Lovett still life paintings.

13. We have now entered ‘The Wall’ terrain and things will get a little emotional. It’s beautiful, we recommend Mr Kitly ceramics to catch your tears.

14. Balance out your material urges with some scholarly credibility and leave TDF Open House with copies of Stephen Banham’s Characters and Stuart Harrison’s Forty-six square metres of land doesn’t normally become a house. Both featured on ‘The Wall’.

15. Make your way outside onto the balcony, you’ll see a set of outdoor umbrellas by Basil Bangs or, as I call them, Mary Poppins’ Mardi Gras umbrellas of choice. These umbrellas also double as weaponry when fending off other shoppers.

16. Caffeine. Caffeine. You need caffeine. You could buy a coffee at the rooftop cafe, but why not show everyone up and buy the whole damn coffee machine? Handmade in Seattle, The Slayer won’t bring back Sarah Michelle Gellar’s career but it will cost you $18,500 (installation included).