The Thousands

Is romance dead? Short answer, yes. So what if Valentine’s Day comes rolling around once a year in a fresh shirt, clutching flowers and handing out Lindt balls? Remove the hoopla and the day itself is about as romantic as spooning Aunt Jan.

I’ll tell you what isn’t dead! Cheapness. Hell no, tight arse-ness will never go out of favour. Whoever coined the phrase “it’s the thought that counts” is a god damn genius. But even cheap skates need to get laid and so with that in mind we present our Cheap Valentine guide. 

Tim Scott
Union Square, West Brunswick is the cheapest and most povo in Melbourne. It makes Barkly Square look like Prahran market but for a stingy Valentines’s Day it can’t be beat. Strawberries and cream? Grab a one dollar punnet at Fayez’s. But eat them soon. Like within an hour! Nuts are romance. Grab a bag of cashews at the Nut Union. And you won’t have to wait long for a window table overlooking the car park at Small Village Chinese. I’ve never seen anyone in there!

Mark Free
Grab some hot chips or a pizza and a bottle o’ hooch on High St and stroll on down to Peters Reserve for the meanest skyline panorama this city’s got. There are monkey bars and a slide for the perfect play date or swings and benches for the faint of heart.

Marissa Shirbin
This is a very simple and cliched gift idea. I made this one as a welcome home present and they loved it. They loved me. And that’s what you want for Valentine’s Day – someone to say they love you. It is very simple: buy some icing and cheap dough at the supermarket (cookie dough is usually in the refrigeration aisle); flatten a decent ball size of dough onto a baking tray; place in the oven for 20 minutes on 180 degrees; take tray out of the oven; leave to cool for 10 minutes; write a nice and colourful message on the cookie with the icing.

Nadia Saccardo
Bob and I always go to Sushi Train (well we have for the past two years). Somewhere such as Tomodachi at Melbourne Central. We figure that it’s like a holiday to Japan, but much cheaper. I recommend it for all longer-term relationships, because if you are having a bad year you don’t have to look at each other. It’s also activity based (this is helpful if you need to find things to talk about). Tip: on a good year ‘up’ the romance by sharing a little bowl of soy sauce with a hint of wasabi. It’s pretty sexy.

Alex Saccardo
Singles: Head to the local video store (Video Ezy will do just fine) and hire Skyrim for only $6. There is no greater Valentines Day than one spent fighting dragons… alone.

Toby Fehily
Cafe Giraffe, 302 Little Lonsdale St, Melbourne. Nothing says “I love you” like a lunchtime comfort food and drink combo on the cheap. Homely is the new fancy. There’s a tree here too.

Penny Modra
Kites are so whimsical I’m going to be sick. Okay I’m back. But they’re also a great source of adversity, which has been the backbone of romance since the first Montague mooned the first Capulet out the first window. Get an old kite, ring up your friend crush and say, “I bought this kite on eBay for my nephew and now I have to check it goddam works! Damn kite. Can you help?” The Fitzroy Gardens are great for this: lots of hills and spiky trees and no wind. Before you know it you’ll be united in your shared rage and public humiliation.