The Thousands

As a flattie-drinking, dress-wearing, bike riding inner-city person, rarely do I have the opportunity to cut down a fir tree and lug it home like a man. This opportunity happens exactly once a year, at the Lions Club Xmas Tree Farm. My family has been in the business of going to the Xmas Tree Farm since I was zero. The practice has changed drastically over the years. My mother recalls a time when strapping woods-people would follow you around with a measuring stick and saw. These times are past, and yet the secrets to a successful Xmas Tree Farm heist remain the same.

You will need a car, a trailer and a pair of bone-crushingly strong arms. In the absence of such arms you can substitute many pairs of mail-sorting-ly thin arms. In the absence of a car or a trailer, you are screwed. On arrival you will be issued with a saw. Experienced farmers will B.Y.O. measuring tape, cling wrap and elastic band. When choosing your tree, you want bottom heavy and sprightly on top. You do not want anything cigar shaped unless you live in a teepee or want to ruin Xmas.

After your tree has been chosen, saw the thing down. Immediately cover the raw trunk with the plastic and fix it with the elastic. This stops sap going all over you. Unfortunately it won’t stop the pine needle rash, which is extremely itchy but also incredibly satisfying in a once-a-year outdoor person sort of way.