The Thousands

The idea was simple, the intent romantic: rent a bicycle built for two, ride around the Yarra Valley, stopping to sample wineries along the way. The reality was awful: fail in every numerous and long-winded attempt to secure said bicycle, bus around Zone 2 for hours on end, stopping only to sample what purported to be the largest model train village in the Southern Hemisphere.

First of all, let’s just stop it with the ‘largest in the Southern Hemisphere’ qualifications. Have you seen the southern hemisphere? It’s the shit one. Your radio telescope / shopping mall / model train village doesn’t really have to be that big when the only competition is in Uganda.

Secondly, why the hell am I looking at model trains? Because seeing grown men make tiny versions of transport infrastructure like it’s no big deal is weirdly awesome and you will have fun despite yourself. Also, it’s in a park with a huge lake you can ride those floating tricycles on. But don’t just take my word for it, see what Cardinia Council has to say of the park whose lawns it has to mow every other weekend: “Emerald Lake Park is a delightful destination for absolutely everyone.” Not agoraphobics, presumably. Or those who don’t care about functioning stream trains. Or people who don’t care about model trains. But everyone else should be fine.

Walking around the 2000 plus metres of track we began to realise that the whole Field of Dreams-esque thing behind the village had less to do with the trains themselves than it did with the living narrative around them: Who were the tiny people populating this village? What were their hopes and dreams? Was that a tiny red light district?

As we left we passed the proud owner beaming at the front desk. “Enjoy the trains?”, he asked. Before we could answer with an emphatic “I guess?” he cut us off: “Doesn’t matter: already got your money.” And thus ended the world’s sexiest date.