The Thousands

Aside from their comedic value, I’ve never been entirely sure why Segways exist. I can now say, after having spent two joyful hours bumping about Victorian wine country on one, I’m still no closer to understanding why they exist. But I’m glad they do.

The day began with a fear-mongering instructional video that comes packaged with every new Segway. It had flash animations detailing the critical injuries you would receive if you didn’t dismount it properly (or attempted some kind of extreme descent) but stopped short of mentioning that the man who recently purchased the Segway company apparently died riding a Segway. Then it was time for our fearless instructor James (James had a ponytail and could handle a Segway like it was an extension of his soul) to tell us what was what. He explained the ‘Five Cs of Segwaying’ (Cautious, Capable, Confident, Cocky and CASUALTY), equipped us with dorky helmets and vests then set us free to zoom upright towards the horizon.

Because I’m pretty extreme and my girlfriend was there to impress, I soon advanced to the fourth C. Needless to say, it wasn’t long before I ate shit (or at least a big puddle that smelt like shit). This proved falling off a Segway is as much fun as, if not more fun than riding one. Other highlights included the young girl who rode down a ditch into a blackberry bush, and seeing a bunny.