The Thousands

When a guy allegedly burns down a bunch of stave churches in Norway in the name of ideology, it’s safe to say he is probably pretty serious. Ok, he is definitely serious. So serious that he wouldn’t take too kindly to you poking fun at him or his beliefs and straight up KILL you. So, I wonder how good ol Varg feels about issues of black metal being turned into kitschy black comedy. He could be mighty pissed, or maybe he’s short of cash after recently getting out of prison (fuck!) and came up with this genius idea. Or maybe he is LOLing about right now – distracted from looking at kitten GIFs or salad recipes on the internet  - ordering his very own Kirkebrann so he can reminisce about the good old days cruising down the vestkysten.

A Kirkebrann is a candle made in Norway. It is black and crafted entirely by the tiny hands of Norwegian black metal toddlers* into the shape of a medieval stave church – beautiful but spooky timber things that Germanic neopaganists really like burning down, and now, you can do it too. Imagine having one of these next to your bed or on your coffee table so that when a friend comes around you can legitimately say, “hey dude, wanna have a smoke and burn down a Norwegian stave church in my living room?”. I’m pretty sure he or she will say “yeah?”. There are of course only 666 amazing little Kirkebranns made so you better burn over there now!

*may not be entirely accurate, Norwegian toddlers can have enormous hands.