The Thousands

I’m the kind of girl who likes my coffee warm and my card games ancient. While Leonardo Di Vinci was in Florence revolutionising the modern world, the people of Naples were wildly gesticulating to a brand new scene. In the ports and piazzas they were playing Scopa, a 600-year-old card game of opportunity and honour.

Scopa means ‘sweep’ (and ‘sex’) in Italian so if you’re not in the mood to do it Saturday morning, sweep I mean, then at least you can get busy on the card table. Pull up a few crates in your local alleyway, drink black coffee so strong it hurts your teeth and make like any self-respecting 72-year-old Italian man.

Scopa is entirely based on luck so play your cards right and an inexperienced honkiano like yourself could end up whipping even the most well seasoned club veteran.

The things you will need for this are:
A deck of Scopa cards
Milk crates
Tiny espressos
A healthy swag of Italian swear words to hurl at your opponent 

Card values:
Il Re (King) =  10
Il Calvallo (Horse) = 9
La Donna (Culotte wearing woman with feather) = 8
Cards with objects on them are worth the number that appear on the card.

Vaffanculo! Let’s begin!

Step 1.
You can play in pairs or individuals, usually max five people.

Step 2.
Choose the first dealer at random. The dealer shuffles and the dealer’s left hand opponent cuts.

Step 3.
The dealer deals three cards to each player and lays four cards face up in the middle of the table.

Step 4.
The player to the right of the dealer always has the first play.

Step 5.
Accumulating cards is the name of the game. Looking at the cards in your hand the aim is to match them numerically with the cards on the table.

Step 6.
You can only play one card at a time, but you can use your card to take as many cards away from the table.

Example: If you have a two of swords, you can take a two of anything, in the above picture you’d take the two of cups. Alternatively, if you have Il Cavallo (worth 9 points), you could take a four of swords, a two of stars and a two of cups. Or you could take the seven of stars and two of swords. Whatever card combination that numerically corresponds with your card.

Step 7.
Sometimes you may have more than one option when picking up cards. For instance if you have a card worth seven and on the table is the seven of stars, the four of swords and the three of stars (totaling seven), by rule you have to pick up the single card. In this instance the seven of stars.

Step 8.
The coin cards are the most valuable. You try and collect as many of these as possible.

Step 9.
Sette Bello! Mon has found the seven of coins!

Giovanni tells Mon to “Mangia merde e morte” (consume bowel matter and die).

Step 10.
Once both players have run out of cards you re-deal three more. This happens until you use the whole deck.

Step 11.
If you clear the cards on the table this is a SCOPA. The person who clears the last card gets a point. You then re-deal the four cards onto the table until the deck is gone too. SCOPA!! “Coglioni!!” says Mon (testicles).

Step 12.
The last player to play a card gets all the cards left on the table. It is now time to count your points.

Tallying your points:
(Make sure you write these on a piece of paper)
The person with the most coin cards (Denaris) gets 1 point.
The person with the 7 of coins card gets 1 point.
The person with the most cards gets 1 point.
The person with the most SCOPAs (i.e. The person who has swept the table the most) gets 1 point.
There are 4 points to win each round. Play ’til someone reaches 21, then buy them a grappa.

GIOVANNI WINS 2 to 1. “Sucammillo” screams Mon (suck it) and they play again.