The Thousands

Telling me to stay away from bikers isn’t the only piece of advice my ex-boyfriend gave me that I now ignore. Thankfully, the post-breakup, tear-drying period coincided with a move to a suburb where I can regale my penchant for sticking my nose in other subcultures’ business. Hydroponica is one overgrown haven of previously forbidden verdant pleasure amongst the dog’s breakfast of lowlights and wonders on Guildford Road.

Using tubs, alfoil and bottled liquids to make things sprout seems kind of weird. But apparently – according to the owner – you can grow tomatoes big enough to conceal a Japanese soldier – he showed me the pictures. Kick-ass big plants. A basic system costs about the same as a cheap return ticket to Melbourne, but who’d want to go there?

You could order the stuff online, but then you’d miss out on the best thing going for this establishment: the owner, Steve, who has invented his own version of a Wide Gully Nutrient Film Technique System (it has something to do with oxygen and ‘letting Mother Nature rule’), and can span a conversation from the inventor of clockwork radios to roses from the Sahara, via Richard Branson, in less time than it takes to roll a spliff.