The Thousands

My grandparents did that terrible thing that most whitetops and silver foxes do at some inconvenient point: they died. It took me a while, but I recently realised that even though losing something I could never get back completely sucked, I still had options: the DIY Grandparent. Unlike pretty much every other option on a weekend, a DIY Nana or Gramps visit is free, is unlikely to result in a hangover, and makes the gooey bits inside you magically glow. Big call, but I know from experience.

I’m not talking about old people in an Adam Sandler isn’t-it-funny-when-old-people-talk-about-sex way, but old people on their own terms. If you like Leicas, they’ve got albums full of photos actually taken of other people, with no forearms reaching out from the lens. If you’re trying to impress an English-majoring love interest you can sharpen your vocabulary skills in a non-ironic game of Scrabble. If you’re lonely, chances are the widow up the street is too. And she probably doesn’t even have the internet.

If your street is widow-less, you could try a website hook-up service, like Adopt A Pensioner, or ring up your local nursing home and see if anyone hasn’t had a visitor in a while. Another great option is muscling in on a friend’s neglected oldies. Friends who play in bands are definitely a first port of call, as their mid afternoon jams leave nana free for you to swing by and make her day. Try any relative of anyone playing at Dada’s Xmas Party.