Stan on: Drinking Sensibly

· Thursday January 31, 2013

Look at this photograph. To the left, you will see a normal, healthy homegrown cucumber. To the right is a pickle. Right now, most of you are healthy young cucumbers, but a lot of you will wind up pickles. Some of you are half way there already. A close member of my family is half way to pickle status. He doesn't get hungover anymore, even though he drinks more than ever. I have a terrible feeling that this is because he's literally pickled. Steeped. Soon he will be shrivelled and salty and covered in weird bumps, and then he'll be dead. That's a bummer for me. Try telling him that though. In the same way that it's hard to believe that every pickle used to be a cucumber, it's hard to believe that, no matter how young and hot you are, if you drink every day in your twenties you're gonna wind up looking like this in your mid thirties.

Hipsters, it's time you learned an important Truth: Bukowski was an asshole. Vulgar, unsubtle, violent, full of himself. He was like Chris Brown, except he was into U2. He also drank too much. If you think drinking too much makes you like Bukowski, then you're right. Except there is no living fast and dying young. If you keep drinking the way you're drinking, you're just going to wind up living slow and overweight and smelling bad for a large portion of your life. By the time you're 40 you'll be, in the elegant words of Louis CK, “uncomfortable most of the time." 

Getting smashed for its own sake isn't grown up. And even if it is, who wants to be a drunk grown up? Drunk grown ups are fucking sad, dude. Take care of yourself. Smoke more grass. Have a nice cup of tea. And if hanging out with other people makes you so nervous that you have to get drunk, then maybe it's time you quit hanging out with other people. Other people are idiots. Other people keep telling NewsPoll they're about to vote for Tony Abbott. Try hanging out with these people sober. Laugh at their antics, let them tell you all their secrets, then go home to Parks and Recreation and How Music Works and bed.

Booze is so popular because people are lazy. The vast majority of humans aren't capable of sustaining an interesting train of thought, so instead of using our words properly we just get fuck-eyed until everything sounds hilarious. Well I'm done. Now and then I'm gonna get loose (because humans do need to get loose, trapped as we are between nobility and savagery, instinct and civilisation, our frontal lobes and our frantic lizard brains, lonely, indifferent, beset by futility, mocked by death), but for the most part I'm staying home and tinkering with my blog.