The Thousands

The Buddha Machine II is the second generation of a Marlboro Lights-sized plastic box that plays pre-recorded electronic music. Pitchfork gave it 8.2 and the New York Times called it ‘beautifully useless’. It has a on/off switch, a plug for your headphones, a tempo dial and a speaker, and comes in different colours (mine is lime).

Its creators, Zhang Jian and Christiaan Virant, a couple of electronic music boobs from Beijing who work under the name FM3, have pre-loaded it with nine tracks that each run for pretty much eternity (or until the batteries run out, whichever comes first). The music is best described as agreeable ambient pap: one track sounds like an elevator’s bing, at different pitches, with background drums, looped forever.

Put the Buddha Machine II on your bedside table, strip down to your undies, crank it up and close your eyes and one of two things will happen: your mind will melt into a blissful lump of stress-free whale meat OR you’ll go out and purposefully drive your car into the side of a Woolworths truck. A couple of days ago my wife casually said that if I play my Buddha Machine II again she’ll slit my throat in the dead of night.