The Thousands

Look at these mini pigs. Look at them. They have been selectively bred to grow no larger than 60cm because things aren’t cute unless they’re small. Look at that snout! Your pets suck.

So here’s the plan: buy a mini pig and call it Piggie Smalls. Piggie Smalls won’t ask for much. All Piggie Smalls needs is some space to roam, some soggy grain to eat and a puddle of water for playtime. Piggie Smalls doesn’t need toys, but Piggie Smalls will certainly not object to them. If Piggie Smalls is a boar, give him belly rubs (he’ll love that). If Piggie Smalls is a sow, stick to chin rubs (lady mini pigs are a touch more genteel). Make sure you use gummy snake lollies as incentives when training Piggie Smalls to sit and roll over. Piggie Smalls loves gummy snake lollies. Why? Piggie Smalls just does.

In return, Piggie Smalls will change your life with his unexpected compassion and intelligence. Piggie Smalls will demonstrate the loyalty of a dog and the self-reliance of a cat without being a moron or an asshole respectively. The two of you will form a bond that transcends words and squeals. On the way, you will learn about what it truly means to be human. Will it be enough to make you stop eating bacon? Probably not. Note: Mini pigs are for life, not just Christmas.