The Thousands

Citizens of a sharehouse hold two truths to be self-evident:

1) Someone is using my toothbrush. Who is it and why.

2) We are out of everything, every day.

Mornings spent fruitlessly getting your hand sticky trying to scrape the last of the jam from the curvy bit at the base of the jar? Those mornings can be relegated to ancient sharehouse legend, because a store exists whose goods are of such epic proportions that surely you will have moved out before the honey is finished.

This store is eponymously named Epic. It is like a Coles, but for Titans, and this works really well for the sharehouse market. When you buy in such large quantities there is also approximately ten hundred* times less packaging, which makes it eight times** more okay that I never put the recycling out.

My housemate Daniel says, “My ironic favourite thing about them is the 40L mayonnaise tubs, but my bona fide favourite things are the 1kg [frozen] blueberries for $8ish, the 1.5L maple syrup at $40 and the 10kg cous cous and the weird trolleys with the clipboard holder. And the fact that high-viz is the dress code.” Firstly, he is talking about maple syrup, not maple-flavoured syrup. Secondly, yes – as there are quiet forklifts peaceably roaming the aisles, Epic provides the visitor with fluoro vests.

You can buy regular things, like 2.5kg of Monbulk jam/marmalade $9.98, 2.5kg of Vegemite, 10kg of rock salt $5.90, or 25kg of rolled oats $41. On the other end of the grocery spectrum, 1kg of cardamom pods is $65.60, 1kg of macadamias $27, 1kg of Star Anise $10.50, 1kg cinnamon quills $36. Owning one kilogram of cinnamon quills? Priceless***.

* not based on maths.
** ibid.
*** ibid.