The Thousands

So you’re smoking. Good for you. You’re only really smoking because you’re nervous and you want to look cool. That’s okay. There’s no shame. Really, you should be nervous. What’s not to be nervous about? It’s the non-smokers of which I’m really suspicious. So while you’re trying to look cool, or trying not to think about looking cool, or trying not to think at all, you may as well learn how to blow smoke rings.

1. Use a dense cigarette – one that will produce thick smoke. Hold it by the tip and hit it against a table so it packs down even more.

2. Take a deep drag, then hold the smoke in your mouth, from your teeth all the way to the back of your throat. This will give you cancer. Accept it.**3. Pucker your lips into an O shape. Round and rigid, like an arsehole, only bigger. This will look stupid, and possibly a little bit sexual. Keep your tongue firmly pressed against the bottom of your mouth.

4. Short, sharp exhalations – one per ring. Start from your diaphragm.

Works best when the air it still.