The Thousands

Most of the men who read this publication are well through puberty, but not so far through it they’ve forgotten the sheer humiliation that can be wrought by a public boner. Even for men in their 30s, Summer by the poolside poses great danger. Things so innocuous as the gentle rub of a new pair of bathers, the warmth of concrete or a wandering mind can lead to an amplified display. When this happens you need to know what to do:

Step 1: Immediately roll onto your stomach or hunch to hide your mounting concern. This will buy you time to strategise.

Step 2: Mind fuck yourself: use a mental image of an ugly teacher or relative, imagine God’s wrath or evoke the memory of ex Victorian Police Commissioner Christine Nixon to send the boner a clear message it is unwanted.

Step 3: Plot a course of least attention and resistance to the water. The pool has masking and relieving properties.

Step 4: Flourish your towel as a matador does his cape, creating a visual distraction on your way to the water. Then plunge in.

Step 5: If all else fails – just own it as a talisman of your virility.