The Thousands

First, get yourself a whippet. I borrowed my housemate’s, but you can always buy your own or get one out from the whippet library. Next, select a jumper for your whippet. In spring I like to run with a continental french sailor dog look, but right now it’s best to go for something along the lines of a daggy, green goretex jumpsuit, lest your whippet lose 5% of his body mass in an hour (and incur you fines at the whippet library).

Now parade your whippet around the neighbourhood! You will find that being attached to a hilarious looking dog in a jumpsuit endears you to old Russian peasant women and pert young spunks alike, and soon you are chatting amiably to an attractive poodle with a dog of her own. Take them to Stanley Street and make eyes over marinara while your dogs chew bones and bark sweet nothings under the table.

Things will be going well until your whippet bites its date and urinates on yours. Lucky for you, whippets have been historically used as bed warmers, so even if you don’t get your rocks off, you won’t freeze them either. In the morning, put on a record (anything on the Whippet label), get the paper and do the quiz with your whippet. Whippets are very intelligent so don’t feel bad if you lose. Treat your whippet to a pigs ear, pick out a snappy jumper and do it all again!